What’s your love language?

Hearing the words “I love you” may be music to the ears but that’s not necessarily the only way love is conveyed. Are you frustrated because people around you just won’t say “I love you” to you? Did you even think that perhaps they just have a different love language?

What is that, you ask. At its core, it just means that we all give and receive love in different ways. Dr. Gary Chapman, in his over 35 years as a marriage counselor, has identified five love languages that people use to express their love the most—words of affirmation, quality time, receiving gifts, acts of service, and physical touch.

Chapman authored the book, The 5 Love Languages, to help people effectively communicate love, explaining that “what makes one person feel loved will not make another person feel loved, and that people “must discover and speak each other’s love language.”

Your love language depends on your personality, so does your partner’s, or everyone else in your family or friend group. Love is about commitment and understanding, and to have these, you need to learn to communicate—a helpful first step is learning each other’s love language.

The 5 Love Languages

If your loved one’s love language is “words of affirmation,” express how much you love them by telling them that you do. Sending them text messages, letters, or cards expressing how much you appreciate them and how much they mean the world to you would make their heart flutter. (Iva Maurin)

1. Words of Affirmation.
If your loved ones’ love language is “words of affirmation,” compliments and saying “I love you” or “Hu guaiya hao” to them will make them feel most cherished. People who have this love language get a high when hearing—or even reading (especially now, with the digital age!) words that show how much you appreciate them, what you love about them, and how you value being with them. On the other hand, insults can hurt and break their hearts so be mindful of the words you say around them, just as you would with others.

Know a loved one whose love language is “words of affirmation”? Go ahead and tell them (even via text!) how much you do. Say and mean phrases like, “I appreciate and love you,” “I believe in you. You got this!”, “You are absolutely glowing at the beach,” or “You are my role model.” A love letter will go a really long way to keep them inspired and in love.

Stop checking your phone and give your loved one your undivided attention if their love language is “quality time.” (Iva Maurin)

2. Quality Time.
If your loved ones’ love language is “quality time,” what they will most appreciate is your undivided time and attention. This means being present when you are with them—and not be constantly checking your phone, watching something on TV, listening to music, or tinkering with your gadgets when with them. Make them feel loved by cutting off all these “distractions” and listening fully to what they say, or simply just being with them fully. Postponing dates or failing to listen to them are things that can hurt them, so make sure to commit your full attention.

Know a loved one whose love language is “quality time”? Go ahead and spend a day together just lounging by Micro Beach or at the Eloy S. Inos Peace Park, or even just at home, and truly listen to what they have to say, fully committing to doing what they want to do with you.

If “receiving gifts” is your loved one’s love language, well-thought-of gifts and gestures are what will make her most happy. Keep in mind that it is not about being materialistic, but the thought behind the gift that tells them you love them. (Iva Maurin)

3. Receiving Gifts.
If your loved ones’ love language is “receiving gifts,” well-thought-of gifts and gestures will make their hearts happier. Be aware that this is not about being materialistic, but rather more of the thought-process that went behind giving the gift or on doing something for someone. Neither is it also about how big or expensive the gift is but the meaning—and the effort—behind the gift or the gesture. Also make sure to not miss their birthdays or anniversary!

Know a loved one whose love language is “receiving gifts”? If you know they love flowers, why don’t you pick up plumerias even from your garden and randomly surprise your loved one with it? Know they love coffee? Perhaps get them a cute coffee mug or a gift card from their favorite café on island. They want a special dish? Why not cook it from scratch and surprise them with it?

Go out of your way and make things a little easy for your loved ones if their love language is “acts of service.” Happily do chores for them, cook them a meal if you see that they are extremely busy with work or with family. (Iva Maurin)

4. Acts of Service
If your loved ones’ love language is “acts of service,” the best thing to make them feel appreciated is to go out of your way and make things a little easy for them. Someone who has this for a love language wants more than just “lip service” and would be happier with little random acts from you, because that would mean to them that you have thought about what they really need, and have given them time and effort.

Know a loved one whose love language is “acts of service”? Perhaps, your partner has been overburdened with caring for your children and has no more energy and time to do other chores. Happily doing the laundry, preparing the meal, or washing the dishes could make your partner feel loved. Your parents love to garden? Why don’t you volunteer to bushwhack or rake, or trim or compost? The key here is to be happy to do things for your loved ones, and not do it because you are obliged to do it.

Your loved ones are at their happiest when you are intimate with them if their love language is “physical touch.” They feel safe and appreciated when held, touched, and kissed. Being present is important for them. (Iva Maurin)

5. Physical Touch
If your loved ones’ love language is “physical touch,” they are at their happiest when you are intimate with them. As a partner, this does not necessarily mean being erotic, but rather more on feeling safe and connected when held, touched, or kissed—of course all with consent. Touch and physical intimacy is important and better appreciated than gifts or verbal expressions of love. Someone whose love language is “physical touch” would love you to be physically present or accessible.

Know a loved one whose love language is “physical touch”? Make them feel loved by hugging and kissing them, or plainly just being around them. When you are out and about, hold their hand. When you are at a party, make sure they to not leave them all alone, or at least make sure they can easily access you if they need to. Express love through thoughtful touches and through your presence.

Wondering if “quality time” is your primary love language? If you are curious to know what yours is, find out at https://www.5lovelanguages.com/quizzes/love-language.