T.O.A.S.T.: Torpid Old-Age Senior Tales

I read one time that fart and scatological humor was the lowest form of comedy and humor. Don’t you have to start someplace? Why not start with a fart? The following is true. Benjamin Franklin, who is known to have said, “Fart Freely” in his famous book, Poor Richard’s Almana, made it to the top of American currency, with his face on your $100 bill. I think he founded the Department of Treasury as well as the American postal system.
 
Old-Age Flatulence: Blowin’ in the Wind
“The answer my friend is blowin’ in the wind.”
—Bob Dylan

The trouble starts with your farts and where they go hence
no need for an investigator to know who is the operant
the pungent sulfuric odors are more than enough evidence
though its common for the smell to frequently be a variant.

From baby stage toddler through middle age there is precedence
of dealing with a greasy gassy meal and leftover internal remnants
consumption of rich buttery pastries leaning toward decadence
gluttony in front of me, obesity onset, and increasing corpulence.

Oftentimes there are multiple efforts made to disguise flatulence
to make it look and sound like no one around can tell at a glance
by making a certain sound with your foot as you walk or dance
and moving away quickly so no one can smell the difference.

So as through stinky gaseous old age you fragrantly advance
learn some tricks to hide farts so no one looks at you askance.
 
Old-Age Flatulence: Double Troubles Too
(Hope this breath of not-so-fresh air gets a laugh or two from you)
 
The gas trouble is still there you may well need a double balance
let it out and get quickly away before those nearby become petulant
especially if its so bad someone faints and they call an ambulance
or the continuous odors start to drive out upstairs apartment tenants.

Then there is the problem when there is absolutely no pretense
and most horrific whiffs and sniffs begin to affect a romance
you can’t blame any others and no one comes to your defense
one is fighting for the right of way and you can’t take a chance.

So you let it go unannounced and with no warning in advance
with a whoosh and a whoop out comes fresh flatulent fragrance
and you do-si-do around some kind of shake a tail feather dance
and chalk it up to another of example of nature’s happenstance.

This double duty trouble needs a ‘let us clear the air’ sentence
to be ended with rapid fire farts and a rat-a-tat reality remonstrance.

(Written on Sept. 14, 2019, on the author’s 70th birthday)

LITERARY NOOK

Joey ‘Pepe Batbon’ Connolly (Special to the Saipan Tribune)
Joey “Pepe Batbon” Connolly is a retired teacher and has been named a poet laureate of Tinian. He has taught English in CNMI public schools for the past 30 years. He has also taught in Alaska, New Orleans, and Las Vegas.