Sometimes it’s best to laugh

This morning instead of pontificating and lecturing on what we should do to improve our society, let’s enjoy a bit of humor. Laughter is a great medicine. Let’s enjoy the following and hope that it will brighten our day.

A. The following are actual written school excuses given to teachers by parents of students:
My son is under the doctor’s care and should not take fizial ed. Please execute him.

* Please excuse Blance from jim today. She is administrating.

* Dear School: Please excuse John from being absent on Jan. 28, 29, 30, 31, 32 and also 33.

* Carlos was absent yesterday because he was playing football. He got hit in the growing part.

* Please excuse Pedro from being absent yesterday. He had diah (crossed out), diahoah (crossed out), dyah (crossed out), oh, the shits.

* Please excuse Mary for being absent yesterday. She was in bed with gramps.

* Please excuse Tommy for being. It was his father’s fault.

B. Actual excerpts from student science exam papers:

* Benjamin Franklin produced electricity by rubbing cats backwards.

* Blood flows down one leg and up the other.

* For nosebleed: put the nose much lower than the body.

* For asphyxiation: apply artificial respiration until the patient is dead.

* When water freezes you can walk on it. That is what Christ did long ago in wintertime.

C. Actual bumper stickers observed on America’s roads:

* Want a taste of religion? Bite a minister.

* Do not tailgate, or I will flick a booger on your windshield.

* I drive this way just to piss you off.

* Crime wouldn’t pay if the government ran it.

* Join the Army: Visit exotic places, meet interesting people and then kill them.

D. How’s this for quick thinking?

Mr. Smith was brought to Mercy Hospital (a Catholic hospital) and taken quickly in for coronary surgery. The operation went very well, and the groggy man regained consciousness. He was reassured by a Sister of Mercy, who was waiting by his bed.

“Mr. Smith, you’re going to be just fine,” said the nun. “We need to know, however, how you intend to pay for your stay here. Are you covered by insurance?”

“No, I’m not,” answered the man hoarsely.

“Then can you pay in cash?” persisted the nun.

“I’m afraid I cannot, Sister. “

“Well, do you have any close relatives?”

“Just my sister in New Mexico. But she’s a humble spinster nun.”

“Oh, I must correct you. Nuns are not spinsters. They are married to God.”

“Wonderful!” said Mr. Smith. “In that case send the bill to my brother-in-law!”

E. Why God never received his PhD:

1. He had only one major publication.

2. Some even doubt he wrote it himself.

3. He never applied to the ethics board for permission to use human species.

4. When one experiment went awry, He tried to cover it by drowning His subjects.

5. When subjects didn’t behave as predicated, He deleted them from the sample.

6. He rarely came to class, just told His students to read the book.

7. He expelled His first two students for learning.

8. Although there were only 10 requirements, all of his students failed.

9. His office hours were infrequent and usually held on a mountaintop.

10. Some say He had His Son teach the class.

F. Kids Say the Darnest Things:

1. The parts of speech are lungs and air.

2. The inhabitants of Moscow are called Mosquitoes.

3. The four seasons are salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

4. The spinal column is a long bunch of bones. The head sits on the top and you sit on the bottom.

5. The people who followed the Lord were called the 12 opossums.

6. Iron was discovered because someone smelt it.

7. Syntax is all the money collected at the church from sinners.

8. A census taker is a man who goes from house to house increasing the population.

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Now that we are smiling and feeling a bit better, let’s discuss a more serious subject. I have to become serious for a few minutes. The subject is finding and keeping a job. As Nov. 27 approaches, many of our nonresident workers will be leaving the islands. We as local citizens are expected to fill their shoes. Are we preparing for this?

Many of us have attended two job fairs where we spoke to prospective employers. Hopefully something positive will emerge. But basically most of the results will depend on us and what we have to offer to the prospective employer. Remember, employers are shoppers, hoping to get bargains in the way of motivated and trained employees.

Too many of us are disheartened after applying for a job and getting refused. We wonder why? But have we really prepared ourselves before we apply? Do we know how to sell ourselves?

Did we offer a well-written resume? Did we attach a photo of ourselves? Did we write a paragraph clearly stating what we have to offer and what our background is for the job we are seeking? Do we know who the company is and what it does when we apply for a job? Remember, applying for a job is like a beauty contest. We must present a good front coupled with a strong willingness to want to join the company. Competition is keen.

Several major points that I want to suggest for success in job hunting. The first is go to the interview with a positive interview. Make the employer feel we truly mean business when we apply for a job in his company.

Another point is to go back repeatedly after the interview and show the employer we truly want the job. Be persistent. Don’t take “We’ll call you” as an answer. Go back repeatedly. If we show determination and motivation, it is difficult to refuse us. Ask why we are not hired. Be candid. There are other points that successful job hunters use. Consider the following.

A strong suggestion: Why not visit the Northern Marianas Trades Institute and ask for assistance? We are willing to sit down with you and go through the necessary steps. We will prep you for the position you are seeking. And best of all! You can even enroll in one of our courses to improve your job skills. It’s all there for your taking. Let us be your guide into the competitive job market. No money required! It’s all for free! Please pass this information on to all friends in need. Call Ray or Vic at 235-8864 for an appointment!

Let me leave you with a smile. There was a man who died and found himself in a beautiful place, surrounded by every comfort. A man in a white jacket came and said, “You may have anything you want-any food, any entertainment, any pleasure.”

The man was overjoyed, and for several days he sampled all the wonders of the place. He had every luxury that he had ever dreamed of or hoped. But one day, he grew tired and bored with it all. He called the attendant and said, “I’m tired of all of this. I need to do something to do to keep me busy, to keep me occupied. What kind of work can you give me?”

The attendant shook his head and said, “I am sorry, sir. That is one thing that I cannot provide you. There is no work here for you.”

The man replied, “That’s terrible. I might as well be in hell.”

And the attendant quietly replied, “Where do you think you are?”

Remember call NMTI for help at 235-8864. Happy job hunting and have a great day. Keep smiling!