Quantum pneumatic mattressology

We spend a third of our lives sleeping. That is, of course, a rough average. There are exceptions. My pal Sparky, for example, is gunning for the two-thirds mark, and I’m happy to report that he’s making solid progress as he strives to minimize that awkward span of time between his first breakfast cigarette and the start of happy hour.

Sleeping isn’t a problem until it is a problem, and, whether you’re a host, a guest, or someone afield camping, sometimes an air mattress is the best option when the number of sleepy human bodies exceeds the number of soft horizontal spaces. The good news is that air mattresses have come a long, long way from the cheap plastic products of yesteryear.

This is one topic that is ripe for a fresh look, especially if the in-laws swing by Saipan for a visit and decide to encamp in your living room.

I’ve ground through at least a dozen air mattresses over the years. Most have been mediocre at best. But I just found one that’s remarkably good.

My wife and I recently found ourselves floor-camping in a relative’s house, where we are, at present, still ensconced. After we arrived at the airport we went to a discount store and bought a product described as: The Intex Queen 13” Elevated Dura-Beam Airbed Mattress with Built-In Electric Pump. The 13 inches in the product name, by the way, refers to the height of the mattress. It cost about $55.

We just wanted it as an expedient to tide us over from our arrival night until the next day, at which point we could book a hotel room. But the mattress proved to be so comfortable we’re still floor-camping, which isn’t a bad move considering that a decent hotel room around here is about $200 a night and a long drive from where we really need to be.

Meanwhile, “inflation” isn’t just a phenomenon in economics news. An air mattress isn’t worth much without air (people keep me around for these brilliant insights). I remember that back in the day we’d have to employ pneumatic gymnastics with a vacuum cleaner in order to inflate a mattress.

But evolution wouldn’t be denied, and mattresses of more recent vintage often have ports for nozzles from small electric pumps that are about the size of hair dryers. These pumps are either battery-powered or wall socket-powered. I’ve got both flavors, since my camping kit has some air mattresses.

Our new Intex offers further evolution: a built-in electric pump that plugs into the wall socket. Now that I’ve tried the built-in pump of the Intex I’ve got all the zeal of a convert.

In addition to the convenience, the internal pump seems to dampen the loud squeal that air pumps make. That squeal makes the external pumps ear-splitting affairs to use even outdoors where there’s no echo effect from walls.

We’ll have to abandon this air mattress when our trip is over since we can’t pack it with us, but we’ll be buying an identical replacement when we get home.

As impressed as I am with the comfort and convenience, I don’t expect this to be a bulletproof affair. After all, from my experience, when an air mattress decides to fail it will do so at a random time and without apparent provocation.

So, on a good day, your dart team can throw a herd of porcupines and a set of ice picks at an air mattress with no ill effects.

Then, on a lousy day, a butterfly in Borneo will flap its wings. This will disturb a single molecule of oxygen in the troposphere. This will, in turn, alter the spin of an electron in the ionosphere on the other side of the planet, which will unleash a cascade of sub-atomic, quantum air events that will cause the mattress to go “poof” and deflate. Or, worse yet, depending on the species of butterfly, the quantum cascade will cause the mattress to slowly leak air so that you’re awakened at 3am (it’s always at 3am) when the thing finally bottoms out.

Or, well, something like that. I may have slightly distorted a few of the scientific details, but the fact remains that the dead hand of entropy loves air mattresses. Every air mattress will probably become a plastic pancake. However, that doesn’t erase the fact that a good air mattress is still the best option in a lot of circumstances.

Now if you’ll excuse me, I have to give Sparky his 2pm wakeup call. We’ve got business to discuss and he’s a hard guy to reach these days.