If I were king…

If I were king (not a bad idea) I would make a few changes around here. Other things I would leave alone.

One thing I would leave alone is Article 12 and the 55-year lease arrangement. It’s fine.

To repeal Article 12 would be disastrous. There are hoards of greedy investors licking their chops at our lovely islands and how they can be exploited for profit.

No sir, I would let Article 12 stand.

I would ban the use of MSG (wei jing) in any public food service establishment. This chemical is toxic to one’s brain and causes headaches. However, I would not ban its sale for private use. If you want to poison yourself, be my guest.

I would impose escalating fines on any grocery store which does not have a price tag on each item. I would also rule that food products from China and other countries provide labels in English so the customers know what they’re buying.

I would also ban implementation of any 5G network in the CNMI. Some mistakenly think it will provide a faster internet. However, 5G’s milliwaves can negatively impact human brain function. It also has the technology to cook your eyeballs like a couple of eggs. Please investigate the horrors of 5G. We do not need it here.

I would decriminalize the growth, use, and sale of marijuana. This means that the DPS and the feds would be ordered to stand down in their pointless pursuit of pot. Besides, the penalties are way too severe, man.

I would institute public flogging for individuals who deal in methamphetamine. This would be a public event and would draw many spectators. Imagine drug dealers getting 20 lashes while tied to a stock in the Paseo de Marianas. The victim’s screams would be a better deterrent than the threat of jail time, or the tedious (but effective) drug court.

I would be even more severe on those who sexually abuse children. First offenders will lose a hand to the chopping block. Repeat offenders will face a firing squad. There is no place for pedophiles in my kingdom, only in hell.

I would maintain the holiday custom of using public land for Christmas decorations. In other parts of the U.S. this is banned (thanks to the ACLU). That said, all religions may use public land for their holiday celebrations. Just clean up after.

I would insist on the creation of a real Jewish deli on Saipan, with wonderful sandwiches on real Jewish rye bread. This edict is motivated by my love of pastrami sandwiches.

I would further insist that every food service establishment which serves sandwiches also provides complimentary pickles. No pickle? That’s a $100 fine, you cheapskate.

I would also limit road signs for political candidates to one month prior to any election. This also applies to all media. If you are running for office and want to campaign, you’ve got one month to convince people to vote for you. Besides, everybody knows the candidates anyway, and a pathetic lot they are too.

I would advocate that the Chamorro people are an indigenous tribe, and this would qualify the CNMI as a Native American jurisdiction or sanctuary (or words to that effect). Besides, the only significant difference between the Chamorros and other Native American tribes is geographic. The Chamorros certainly have more in common with the Apaches than with Americans of European ancestry or Asian people. Their tribal dances are quite similar also. I see “tribe” stickers everywhere, and they are most appropriate.

There’s more, but I have reached my word limit.

Now, go forth and be beautiful.

Russ Mason
As Teo, Saipan