G_tting th_ngs d_ne

The Commonwealth might be small and off the beaten path, but it’s actually an easy place to do business. I’m talking about the business-to-business realm. Most business are informal, able to get things done, and able to communicate effectively. It can, actually, spoil us.

Meanwhile, of course, the outside world is beckoning to be conquered via your notebook computer. We write about the promise quite often, but I think it’s time for a grouchy, cynical swipe at some of the irritations of the gig. So here is my list of snotty observations to the outside world, or at least that slice of it that I deal with:

1. I’m not going on line to see eye-candy, or the precocious efforts of a Web designer who is a wannabe Steven Spielberg. So if your flash-laden, bling-intensive, business website builds slowly, or I’m reduced to having to look for a “skip intro” icon, I’m out of there.

2. If your Web site crashes my browser, goodbye.

3. On initial phone contact, I’ll explain my request twice, to two different people, if necessary. That’s fine. But, generally, I won’t bother to go into it a third time with a third person. If your employees aren’t able to, or authorized to, get basic things done when I contact them, then I’ll go elsewhere.

4. I return my e-mail promptly. If you don’t, then we’re not going to be happy campers.

5. No, I won’t fax it. Faxes were cool in the 1980s. So were hair bands. This isn’t the 1980s.

In fact, my fax machine is at the bottom of the old San Jose dump, where it took up residence after some guy in Colorado sent me a 62-page printout of a spreadsheet.

6. You can be a business manager who gets things done, or a bean counter who doesn’t, but you can’t be both. If I authorize an expenditure over the phone, or via e-mail, then you’ll get paid, so let’s get on with things. If I say I wired money, then I wired money, so let’s get on with it. If it takes a 10-page contract and a dozen petty, last-minute remittances for a small transaction, I just don’t have time for it; go count beans on somebody else’s time.

7. As for Internet-based “phone” calls: If y_u try to s_ve m_n_y by using Skype to c_ll me, and ev_ry oth_r s_ll_ble dr_ps out from the c_nnecti_n, then I’m g_ing to h_ng up. IT IS ANN_Y_NG. Want to talk on the phone? Then use a phone.

8. Please use a bank that doesn’t stink. If your bank botches something, particularly an international transaction, then it can cause problems that snowball. All banks are not the same; in fact, they vary widely in quality.

9. Yahoo Messenger is better than phone calls in many cases, since it’s easier to memorialize our discussions and we can send files back and forth.

10. I’m not a haggler. I know that some people enjoy calling themselves “tough negotiators,” but I don’t do business to try to chip other people down or to take advantage of them. I’ll usually sidestep any transaction that looks like a lot of haggling will be involved. Anyone can be a petty little nitpicker and furtive one-upper, but they aren’t the types of people I want to deal with.

11. Some economist observed that the role of the entrepreneur is to “get things done.” That’s sure the truth. I am amazed at how many people confuse “talking about doing things” with actually “getting things done.”

On that note, the good news, locally, is that, yes, though Saipan has more than its share of talkers, everybody knows who they are, so they are no threat. But in the outside world, you have to keep your guard up.

Which pretty much wraps the whole gig up where we started. Getting things done at a business-to-business level on Saipan is usually easy, since you know who you’re dealing with, and since island-style (again, I’m talking business, not government) usually keeps bluster to a minimum. But unlocking the potential of the outside world can involve frustrations. So when the world heeds my list, and improves its act accordingly, we’ll all be better off.

R_ght?

****