Fitial and Willens suing the Feds: Brilliant!

I want to thank Governor Fitial and his “freebie” legal counsel/advisor/guru/charm instructor, Howard Willens, for their quest in suing the federal government.

Forget open government. Fitial and Willens do what politicians do best…hold secret “OBN members only” closed-door meetings, because Lord knows, they would not want the media and our community to have access to what they are really talking about. Apparently, we’re too dumb to handle the truth, so they had to have a closed-door meeting to work on solving our current economic and power crisis by suing the federal government.

Ah yes, the evil federal government. Damn those feds! I just read that the U.S. Department of Energy is working hand in hand with Guam on renewable energy alternatives. What a milestone for Guam…or so they think. Renewable energy is over-rated! We like being completely dependent on oil! Never mind the Department of Energy and the rest of the feds. We got our caped crusaders, Fitial and Willens, who are going to sue them!

Sure, the CNMI is flat broke. And yes, it will cost us only $400 thousand, which will mostly be used to explore the idea of whether or not we have a case at all. But hey, it is a priority! Howard Willens told our hard-working “rollin’ up our sleeves” lawmakers that federalization will cost the CNMI $400 million! Jesus, Maria, Jose! That’s almost as much as we’ve spent trying to fix CUC over the past 16 years! Why wouldn’t we trust Howard? He is a CNMI Founding Father, assisting with the development of our Covenant and Constitution! He is our Moses, who will lead us out of the desert and into … darkness? Eternal damnation? The pits of hell?

Since finding the $400,000 seems difficult, may I make a humble suggestion to Howard? Jot down CUC, NMC, PSS, and CHC on pieces of paper and put them in a hat, and then have one of our brilliant House or Senate leaders pick one agency from the hat. Bingo! Whoever you pull, you take out that $400,000 from their budget!

What’s that you say? Some teachers and parents are begging to spare PSS? As Vice Speaker Joe Guerrero says, “Quit your bitchin’!” All we need to do is follow Governor Fitial’s advice and delay school for another two weeks. In fact, why have school at all? Why can’t we just eliminate school altogether and teach our children valuable lessons in life? May I suggest the following courses?

Panhandling 101. Get our children to stand on the Microl intersection and beg for money. Why not? By the way, the younger the better. As we say up at the Legislature, “If they are old enough to stand, they are old enough to put out their hand.” Forget safety! So their lives are endangered. We need to keep our eye on the prize! We need to teach our children that it is better to beg than to work for money! Who needs to mow lawns and wash cars and sell hot lunches when you can simply beg for cash?

Successful Resumes 102. I cannot understand why our teachers continue to teach our children useless resume tactics. Let me suggest that we eliminate “Work Experience” and “Education.” Instead, get down to what really matters when applying for a job here in the CNMI. Put down how you are related to the boss or bosses at the government agency you are applying to. The closer you are related, the higher your salary and position! Biba primo! Biba nepotism! A prerequisite to this class is Butt Kissing 101.

CNMI Politicians 103. This is a very important class none of our kids can afford to miss, and it can only be taught by seasoned, experienced politicos! It is a grueling course, and it takes major discipline, but the rewards are out of this world! The sky is the limit in this class, baby! You will master important skills in this class, especially in debate. Whenever your opponent is crushing you with words and logic, simply shout out, “Basta fan, Lone Ranger! You’re so full of nonsense! Quit your bitchin’!” If that isn’t working, roll your eyes, shout a few obscenities, pound your fist, and storm out. Other parts of the course include learning to ignore the problems of the CNMI, how to stack 20 tables in a truck, how to become an excellent golfer, how to get your slush funds advanced to you, how to hire ghost employees, how to acquire a yacht at government expense to use in the fishing derby, and how to always get reelected no matter how incompetent you really are. A prerequisite to this course is Biba Koruption Tactics 101.

Don’t worry about the other agencies because they don’t really need the money. CHC? “Come on, par. Just send our sick to the Philippines.” CUC? “Power is not necessary as long as we have Spam and canned tuna and soba because they don’t need refrigeration.” NMC? “Para hafa i post-secondary education, kumaire? How many times have I told you? It’s not the degree in education; it is the degree in relations.”

King Fitial and Howard Willens, you are so brave and so brilliant. Forget the fact that we now talk about power onnages rather than power outages, and that everything has gone to hell in a hand basket. We must be strong and we must unite and we must brave the storm. We must all pledge to support the CNMI’s very own caped crusaders!

Biba, King Fitial! Biba, Founding Father Howard Willens! Biba, Better Times 2009!