Evac payback

[B]Lemmings [/B]

Just after midnight when someone yelled “evacuation emergency” I rushed to the bathroom expecting the worst from a case of Montezuma’s revenge or that hot Thai dish I had eaten earlier in the evening. Then I realized from the blaring loudspeaker that a “tidal wave” was possible. I fired up the old computer, looked at the evidence, assessed the possibilities and went back to sleep.

Meanwhile the rest of my family scurried about packing a week’s worth of food, bedding, passports, a set of Encyclopedia Britannica, the china cabinets, assorted pets, children, sporting equipment and other essential items, then headed for the hills to wait out the oncoming watery deluge and inevitable traffic jam.

I reveled in slumber with visions of a Chris Craft getaway vehicle dancing in my dream-muddled head. Ahh, blissful rest. Be sure to call me if I drown.

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[B]Left pocket, right pocket[/B]

Imagine you are a company looking to invest in CNMI infrastructure; specifically you want to get your mitts on the utility monopoly. Legislators have passed a law that requires you as the buyer to pay a $22 million surcharge with which you are supposed to “subsidize” power rates for an 18-month period. You get the contract so now you take the money out of your right pocket and use it to lower the rates short-term then proceed to put the money back into your left pocket by collecting it back, plus the regular utility rate, plus your reasonable profit from the utility customers (that’s us).

No company is going to throw the $22 mil into a meat grinder and walk off. They will, rightfully, want to recoup that money plus all the funds expended to improve the generating facilities and supply system plus make a profitable return on all that capital expended.

So what is gained from the subterfuge? Someone ultimately has to pay the $22 million…it’s us power consumers again. Please, let’s just omit the $22M song-and-dance and let the new company do what it needs to do in order to FINALLY make our power grid be so reliable it recedes into the back of our minds. I’m looking forward to the day when I don’t know what feeder number my house is on. If we are going to assess the surcharge let’s at least make sure it goes back to CDA where it will do some good as local reinvestment capital.

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[B]Sting ‘em[/B]

Maybe I watched too many ’70s cop shows, but there seems to me an obvious strategy that would fairly quickly catch the crass thieves that are preying on our tourists up in Marpi. Our police could set up a series of simple sting operations that would not take much manpower and would be almost sure to catch the sneaky slime balls that run out of the woods, smash a car window, grab some loot, then run back into the woods to hide.

Ask real tourists to take along a “security” person, or hire some local residents of Japanese or Korean ancestry to help out in catching the thief or thieves. The sting vehicle makes the rounds of Banzai Cliff, Suicide Cliff, Last Command Post and the Grotto, looking for all the world like a group of unsuspecting tourists. They leave a few valuables in their unlocked car or better yet, van, along with a hidden policeman or a hidden volunteer with a camera inside the vehicle while they get out and do their picture taking and tourist oohh aahh thing. Repeat until the dopey thief runs out of the woods to grab the goodies then arrest him on the spot as he breaks the window or just take his picture in the act if we are using a hidden volunteer in the car instead of a policeman.

Alternatively our police operative could be stationed in the woods ready to run out and nab the thief as he tries to steal the valuables. But I think the in-car method would work best and has the advantage of causing the thieves not to ever know which cars are “safe” to burgle and which have the “catch-man” inside.

Respectfully submitted to anyone listening at DPS.

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[B]Quote of the week:[/B] Suspicion always haunts the guilty mind; the thief doth fear each bush an officer. —William Shakespeare (1564-1516)

[I](Bruce A. Bateman writes Sour Grapes when the moon is full and the mood strikes. Stay tuned for each exciting episode. Yes, he is opinionated. bbateman@pticom.com.)[/I]