‘Phoon busters

If there’s one thing the Commonwealth does well, it’s ride out typhoons. I figure we could take a few people at random from the Commonwealth, set up a snappy consulting name, and head to the states and rake in big fees.

Big, big fees. Then we can buy CUC everything it needs, hire shills to walk around Garapan and pretend they’re tourists, and build a bridge to Tinian. Heck, maybe even to Rota. Big fees, I say…

Our timing is right. Just this week, on May 30, the New York Times ran an article entitled “As Hurricane Season Looms, States Aim to Scare.”

Indeed, according to the article, various U.S. officials in various states are telling their wards that they should stockpile a bit of food, water, flashlights, and so on, because folks can’t just count on the government to solve everything when a hurricane tears through the area.

I have been through hurricanes in the United States, and, indeed, a lot of people did nothing to prepare, even though they’d have four days or so of warning. And when I say nothing to prepare, I mean nothing to prepare. Some had nary one bottle of water to tide them through. Why? Maybe after a hurricane hit, the tooth fairy was supposed to call the food fairy, the water fairy, and fuel fairy, and start handing out provisions.

Well, ain’t no such fairy godmothers on Saipan, which is good, since ain’t no such godmothers anywhere anyway. Thing is, we know that. When KMCV starts showing those swirly-doos on the telescreen, we know the routine. Everybody has one.

Mine is like so: Fill up the car’s gas tank. Buy beer. Flirt with cashier. Get cash from ATM. Flirt with ATM. Buy more beer. Top off the food and water stash. Do the laundry before the electricity gets messed up (by which I mean, have somebody else do the laundry, as I act in a strictly supervisory capacity).

More tasks as the ‘phoon gets closer: Barbecue the good steaks from the fridge, no use letting them spoil if the electricity goes out. Invite friends. Eat steaks. Sample beer. Hmm…good.

Park car strategically so it doesn’t get clobbered by falling or flying objects. Back up all computer data. Back up the backup. Board up windows. Seal door and window gaps with duct tape. Forget something outside. Take duct tape off door, go outside, and tend to chores. Go back inside. Re-tape door. Get told I forgot something else. Tell her if it’s so important, do it your own damned self.

Whew, that’s an exhaustive list, but hardly exhausting. It seems obvious to you, and to me, but I really think we could take this show on the road, with props, visual aids, brochures, and we’re in business. The New York Times article cited a survey of Atlantic and Gulf state (that’s hurricane territory) residents, and found that 68 percent of them did not even have hurricane survival kits.

An economist would point out that we’re up against a case where the expectation of government services is providing a disincentive for people to look after themselves. Gee…think so?

Typhoons and hurricanes are the same thing, technically known as cyclones. I figure if we’re going to be consultants, we should know that.

Somebody get our business cards printed up. I’m ready to go. I’m on 24/7 emergency standby alert.

Who you gonna’ call? ‘Phoon Busters!

(Ed Stephens Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. E-mail him at Ed@SaipanEconomist.com)