The economy and crime

Tuesday afternoon, my silver, 17-inch Apple Powerbook G4 was stolen. What kills me more than losing a $4,500 laptop is losing all the data in it, especially my family photos which I didn’t back up because I kept putting it off. What does getting my laptop stolen tell me? This is a sign of things to come. While we may see a decrease in work-hours, salaries, and tourist arrivals, we surely will be seeing an increase in crime, mainly theft and burglary. The only good thing about burglary and theft is it is an opportune time to get a $3,000 Rolex for 50 bucks.

Kidding aside, our leaders have to address this serious societal woe. Here are three recommendations for our burglars and thieves, which I like to refer to as the Scum of Saipan. Note: This only applies to those who are convicted (we all know thieves are innocent unless they are caught with the stolen item in their hand while being videotaped, photographed, and apprehended by at least two police officers in front of 10 witnesses who are not related to the thief).

1. My favorite! Put their pictures in a “Thieves of the Month” column, which will appear in our local newspapers and all print media. Here we can feature a nice photo of them along with their age, family name, and favorite hobbies, such as playing poker while leaving my kids in the car and selling ice, only if I don’t smoke it all. Why would this be highly effective? Because of the Mamalo factor. Thieves would be so embarrassed and ashamed to have their picture in the paper that they would gladly take a stiff prison sentence over this.

2. Mandatory Prison Work Detail. Instead of vacationing in prison, let’s put thieves to work. Forget about rehabilitation, lets talk punishment! What kind of work detail? Well, we keep getting complaints about dirty public restrooms at our best tourist spots. Let’s keep them sparkling clean. Arm our thieves with toothbrushes and some Clorox and Comet and send them into those restrooms. Once the restrooms and toilets are spotless, reward our thieves with lunch. Since work detail would be mandatory, no work means no food, along with other prison favorite pastimes such as playing cards, watching TV and videos, working out, and dating.

3. Three strikes you’re out! Career criminals who are convicted for a third time should be sentenced to a lifetime in prison. Why? Because that is where they belong. This would make every criminal think twice before committing a third offense.

While these three recommendations may sound harsh and unrealistic, we need our leaders to address the increase in burglaries and thefts. The tourist who gets her purse snatched while walking in Garapan and the tourist who gets his wallet taken from the car will tell 10 friends who will tell 10 other friends that Saipan is not a safe place to visit. Thieves hurt not just our image, but our economy as well. There is something seriously wrong with our society when we see prisons that are nicer than our public schools. Whatever happened to crime and punishment? We may agree that countries who cut off the hands of thieves are barbaric and inhumane, but I guarantee theft and burglary is way lower than in the Western world. Besides, you can only steal twice. After that, it gets difficult when you can only steal with your feet. I urge our leaders to take a serious look at this social problem before it gets any worse. And I urge our judges to impose stricter prison sentences and let the time fit the crime.

I know this article won’t bring my 17-inch G4 Powerbook back, especially since the scum who stole it probably can’t read anyway. But I hope it will invoke our leaders to do something about crime in the CNMI. In the meantime, my dear people of the CNMI, keep your doors locked, keep your valuables hidden, and invest in a state-of-the art alarm system, or at least a hungry pitbull terrier.

Ed Propst
Susupe