White elephant

Our governor inherited what he rightly calls a white elephant; referring to the new palatial mansion we call a prison. I’m sure the liberal set is ecstatically happy that those convicted of various crimes will be comfy, have their TV remote close at hand and their A/C blowing at full force; all at our expense.

The rest of us may be a little nonplused if they ever get up enough money to pay the electric deposit and open it. I’ve had another epiphany as it all becomes perfectly clear to me now. We can solve three problems (errr challenges in correct-speak) at the same time, here’s how:

1. Transport all current and future prisoners to Pagan Island. Drop all 140 of them off with a weeks worth of food, some shovels, lots of burlap bags and 70 two-man pup tents. Also leave them a bunch of wheelbarrows and enough lumber to build a loading dock. Tell them a boat will return the following week with another weeks worth of food and that each man or woman (sure, coed is great) who is at the dock with 210 sacks of pozzlan will get a share of the food. That’s 30 sacks a day, seven days a week—frankly, a tiny amount of work. That is 4,200 sacks of pozzlan each and every week that can be sold to the construction community in exchange for enough money to run the boat, buy the food, and may even leave some left over to buy some important government stuff, like new rubber stamp pads or police cars. That solves where to put ‘em and how to mine the ash on Pagan.

2. Security won’t be a problem anyone who can swim to the next island trying to escape is paroled and sent to the next Micronesian Games sure to win a gold medal in the long-distance backstroke event. Taxpayers keep the gold.

3. Now that we don’t have to expend $22 million dollars a year to house these somewhat less-than-sterling characters, we can think about what else to do with the building. Bomb shelter? We may need it if an enemy begins nuking the preposition ships. Arthur Murray Dance Studio? Plenty of floor space and wall receptacles to plug in the record players. Cultural Art Museum? Lots of wall space, good lighting, nice and cool.

You probably have a better idea than mine. Let’s have a contest to: A. name the building and B. to dream up a use for this Pale Pachyderm.

Well, that’s it. Seems simple when you think about it. Of course, we have to come up with a creative name for it so the feds don’t have a cow. I suggest Positive Affirmative Rehabilitation (PAR for the course), but lets leave the program name up to the contest winner.

Bruce A. Bateman
Tanapag, Saipan