Recognizing signs of abuse

By Sr. M. Carol Mcclenon
Special to the Saipan Tribune

How would you know if you were in an abusive relationship? Serious physical injuries inflicted by an intimate partner are an obvious sign, but many women suffer from domestic violence that is much more subtle, therefore much more difficult to identify and name for what it really is. Abusive relationships sometimes go on for a long time without being “diagnosed” and without any help being provided for the persons involved. Just because there are no visible bruises do not mean that the victims are not being hurt. The longer an abusive relationship continues, the greater the chance of serious emotional damage, not to mention the increasing likelihood of escalating violence resulting in physical injury.

ORDINARY PROBLEMS

Why is it sometimes hard for women (or men) to recognize that they are in a dangerous, damaging relationship? For one thing, there are very few “perfect” relationships out there. Although the initial period of falling in love may seem like a magic time with perfect compatibility, this infatuation stage does not last. In spite of the recent popularity of searching for a soul mate, human relationships involve a lot of hard work, give and take, and sacrifice. Some tension between partners is inevitable; some amount of disagreement is normal. In the early stages of a relationship, if the differences begin to surface as arguments, partners often consult family members or friends who tend to reassure them with standard advice such as, “Everybody has problems. Just be patient and things will work out.” If the relationship is fundamentally sound, this advice is good. Every couple—every family unit, in fact—needs to work out its own rules for expressing and resolving differences. Many people find ways through the maze of conflict and discover their own equations to end up with more good times than bad, more joy than pain. They discover that their “togetherness” is a treasure worth cultivating and that their relationship continues to grow.

‘ORDINARY’ UNHAPPY RELATIONSHIPS

On the other hand, lots of relationships just don’t work out well. Some people simply don’t belong with each other. While it’s true that a certain amount of arguing is normal, some people spend most of their time in conflict. The question is: How much is too much? In a good, healthy relationship, painful arguments should not be a daily or even weekly event. Some people who are in unhappy relationships probably would be better off if they separated—at least if there are no children involved. Broken relationships are painful, though, and the future is uncertain. Often partners stick together in spite of a less-than-satisfying relationship, enduring the familiar discontent rather than risking loneliness or the emptiness of having to start over. The partners are unhappy, and may tend to make each other more and more unhappy rather than helping each other. In these “ordinary unhappy relationships,” the hurts are not deliberately inflicted. In the heat of argument, insulting or provocative things may be said. Incidents from the past may be brought up to illustrate a point or rub salt in the wound, but these can be seen as “isolated explosions of anger or frustration.”(Family Violence on Guam, Chapter 5, “Power and Control” by Ann Hardin and Jean Wycoff). There is no systematic intention to degrade or put the other person down. These relationships have problems—sometimes serious problems—but they are not fundamentally dangerous. With goodwill from both parties, joint [marriage] counseling can be very effective, helping the partners find ways to communicate more effectively and to bring joy back into the relationship.

ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIPS

Abusive relationships are different from ordinary unhappy relationships. Abusers intentionally use various tactics to dominate or control their partners. These techniques can, of course, include physical force, but frequently involve less obvious means, such as intimidation, isolation, or deliberate and pervasive verbal or emotional abuse. Ann Hardin and Jean Wycoff note in Family Violence on Guam:

In school settings, business settings, religious settings and in political settings, individuals are given the “right” to dominate other individuals. However, the actions of the dominant person are scrutinized by others and in many situations, limits are placed on what forms of dominance are allowed. Unfortunately, in a family setting, limits are defined by the dominant person. As he justifies his actions, others come to accept his definition of what’s appropriate even if they believe differently. (p. 74)

In other words, one partner’s control over the other doesn’t usually start in full force at the beginning of the relationship. Rather, it creeps in gradually, as if in a descending spiral. Apart from the use of physical force, which is always a red flag, early signs of an abusive relationship are not necessarily crystal clear. It may be difficult to articulate that something seems to be wrong.

‘AT THE BEGINNING IT WAS GOOD’

When the two people first get together, both feel that their needs are being met by the other; this constitutes part of their initial attraction and contributes to their “becoming a couple.” The initial experience of falling in love is so powerful that it seemingly automatically fulfills one’s emotional needs. Pleasing the new partner—by doing whatever he suggests—brings pleasure and fulfillment. The relationship may easily fall into that pattern, in which one person constantly attends to the other’s wishes and needs, without any request for reciprocity. Therefore at the beginning, one partner obtains control over the other, without any struggle, without any overt threats. In fact, a woman may identify that she is being treated with respect, because her partner is gentle or polite. Since she has never tried to refuse his courteous requests—and she enjoys the satisfaction of his enjoyment of her company and acquiescence—she is not initially aware that she has put her awareness of her own needs and interests on hold, becoming subject to his. But as the relationship goes on, the early rush of “chemistry” fades and/or the woman’s legitimate needs begin to make themselves known. She is no longer fully at ease with complying with all of his plans. She wants to pick up some pieces of her “old” life—perhaps time with family or former friends, or pursuing her education or other dreams.

In a healthy relationship, the parties will now begin to negotiate, with some degree of give-and-take, over how to meet both sets of needs, or at least, whose needs will be addressed at what time. In an abusive relationship, however, this is a dangerous period. Because abusers want the predictability of control rather than the uncertain outcomes of negotiation, they may feel threatened and will respond by imposing more demands, more controls. They are comfortable with compliance, not with communication.

The woman’s tentative efforts to assert her own needs and desires are met with subtle or not-so-subtle tactics to return to the status quo, where the man dominates the relationship. He may express his displeasure or unhappiness at her requests through verbal or physical reprisals, withholding of affection, cutting off financial support, or other tactics demonstrating that he holds the power in this relationship. To make things more confusing, however, he may respond by seemingly increasing his attentions to the partner, for example, by frequently calling her at work or at home. In and of itself, that’s not a bad thing. It could indeed be a sign of affection. Many happy couples do talk to each other frequently during the day. But it also could be a form of suspicion, of checking up on her, keeping tabs on all of her actions. The gradual shift from positive attention to invasive monitoring to extreme control is hard to describe.

Fear of one’s partner is always a red flag, even if the partner dismisses it as imaginary or crazy. Fear is part of our survival instinct. We’re supposed to listen to it! Abusers can change—but they seldom do unless or until something outside of themselves motivates them to do the hard work of learning new ways to address their needs.

ACTIONS SPEAK LOUDER THAN WORDS

In evaluating a relationship, look at the behaviors more than the words. He says he loves her, but then he pushes her around. He promises he’ll never do it again, but that only lasts until the next argument. She believes that he respects her, but she never speaks up to test it out. He insists that he loves her so much that he threatens to commit suicide if she doesn’t stay with him. He throws things around the room or breaks her belongings, but reminds her that he didn’t hurt her. He gets his feelings hurt if she admits that she is frightened by the things he does. He reassures her that he loves her but suggests that she must be crazy and needs mental help if she doesn’t think everything is fine. He asks her to forgive him this time because he says it will never happen again, but he has made the same promise many times before and nothing has changed. He persuades her that he is the only one who loves her, and convinces her that no one will believe her if she tries to talk about the ways he controls her. He destroys her property, but tells her she’s lucky that he wasn’t out of control so he didn’t take it out on her. He justifies that he only hurts her because he loves her so much and wants her to “improve.” He cries after he injures her and gets her to comfort him! In all of the above scenarios, ask yourself, “What’s wrong with this picture?” No wonder the victim of abuse often feels confused and uncertain, beginning to doubt her own judgment.

WHAT SHOULD YOU DO IF YOU SUSPECT YOU’RE IN AN ABUSIVE RELATIONSHIP?

Try to get an outsider’s perspective. Are you experiencing normal unhappiness, or is something fundamentally wrong in the relationship? Calling the Victim Hotline, a Victim Advocate, or Domestic Violence Social Worker can help you evaluate what’s happening and explore options for getting help. It usually takes time to break away from a dangerous relationship. “Safety planning” is an important beginning. Getting counseling from Community Guidance Center or a private practitioner or seeking pastoral advice from clergy may also be beneficial. Be careful, however, about getting involved in couples counseling until the possibility of abuse has been fully explored. Experts in the field of domestic violence recommend individual counseling rather than joint [marriage] counseling until it is certain that neither partner is in danger of being abused after a session if uncomfortable topics are discussed or “family secrets” are revealed.

If you are afraid to talk to anyone about your situation, that’s another sign that you may be in an abusive relationship. You do not have to wait until you are injured to seek assistance. Take courage—you are not alone, and help is available. So don’t wait to make that first call!

LINKING OUR COMMUNITY TO BREAK THE CHAINS OF VIOLENCE

Department of Public Safety: 911
Victim Hotline (Saipan): 234-5100
(Tinian): 433-0361
(Rota): 532-0444
Community Guidance Center: 323-6560
Lugat Pas Domestic Violence Intervention Center: 664-4581
Family Court: 236-9783
Victim Advocate (Karidat): 234-5248

The Guma’ Esperansa, the Shelter for Victims of Domestic Violence, can be reached through the Victim Hotline.

This article was offered by Sr. M. Carol McClenon of Karidat as part of the outreach activities of the Family Violence Task Force in observance of October as National Domestic Violence Awareness Month.