Application for a Nobel Peace Prize

With great and humble modesty I propose the following solution to the Middle East peace process along with the possible eventual democratization of that ancient land while, at the same time, easing the tax burden on the poor, abused American taxpayer.

My solution was arrived at by simply exercising a measure of common sense that seems to have escaped the Defense Department, the CIA, State Department and many other agencies of the United States and Israeli governments.

The entire effort is simply one of education—directed at rabid Muslim fanatics who are under the impression that they can become martyrs by blowing themselves up and thereby go to paradise where, among other benefits for the faithful, they will have at their disposal 72 virgins each. Whether this is heaven or hell—we will not know in this life.

The effort that I recommend is to denounce this myth of virgins and convince those religious zealots that the promise of paradise is simply not true. The indisputable evidence follows—and is as profound as Einstein’s Theory of Relativity—but not as complicated.

There is an Arabic Hadith collected by Imam at-Tirmidhi in Sunan where it is said there are 72 wives for every believer who is admitted to heaven, and not only for martyrs. As mentioned above, we now know there are fanatic Muslims that go around blowing themselves up believing they will become martyrs—go to paradise and have 72 houris or virgins.

For awhile this left me a bit puzzled—but no longer. The general ratio of men to women in any population is about 49 percent men to 51 percent women. There are always about 2 percent more women than men in a given population. Obviously, all devout Muslims want to go to paradise whether they are martyrs or not.

According to information I researched there are 1.2 billion Muslims in the world, give or take a few. If 612 million or 51 percent are women, and 558 million or 49 percent are men—that means that 72 virgins for each man would equal 44 billion, 64 million virgins. Where did they all come from? Please appreciate that this is an estimate—I can’t count everybody.

If I’m not mistaken I believe the Genealogical Society of Utah has estimated than between 69 billion and 110 billion people have lived in the past. If so, how can there be 44 billion, 64 million virgins in paradise. It means that somewhere between 40 and 64 percent of everyone that has ever lived on earth and passed on to glory was a virgin. Impossible.

And what about all the mothers of virgins? If there are 44 billion, 64 million virgins—there has to be a lot of mothers who—by reason—are not virgins. It drives me crazy trying to make sense of it all.

These are the people that invented algebra in the seventh century. Did they miss something? Is there another unknown other than “x”? Logic should convince Muslim terrorists that there is simply not enough virgins in heaven to go around and therefore they should stop blowing themselves up. Either that or inaugurate a birth control program among Muslim women to remain chaste so that they can enter paradise as a virgin. This would have the eventual effect of substantially reducing the size of the Muslim population—both male and female through the process of attrition. Naturally, it’s a long term solution to the problem—but then eternity is pretty long as well.

Having lived six years in Islamic North Africa I have many Muslim friends—but I don’t much care for fanatics. I suppose there will be some that don’t appreciate my sense of humor and will place me in the same classification as the Ethiopian wharf rat, the Egyptian cockroach and Salmon Rushdie’s “blacklisted” book. I can handle it—I’ve been married for more than 50 years.

In the true tradition of Don Quixote I will continue to work on solving the many problems of the world—with the exception of the retirement fund—which is beyond any influence I might have and may be beyond all hope. The next effort I shall undertake will be that of teaching English to the world. This inspiration came to me from my dear ol’ granny who said to me many years ago, “Billy, if English was good enough for Jesus—it’s good enough for everyone else.”

So much to do and so little appreciation of my efforts. (William Stewart)