A desperate plea for help

Why me? In my 20 years I never imagined relationships could be this difficult to handle. I was always the young teenager wanting to have a boyfriend: someone I could hold hands with, go to school functions with, even just talk with on the phone. My mom has been looking out for me my whole life. She made sure I was on the right track in school. My mom had no idea I was in desperate need for affection from the opposite sex. She did not allow me to date, but I went against her words. I wish I listened to her, maybe then I would not have experienced what I am about to share with you.

I was an independent woman, always on alert with school activities and clubs. I made myself join school clubs, just as much as I could manage. But all that changed when I had my first boyfriend. The relationship started out fine. I was beginning to like the idea of having a boyfriend until he started being demanding. I had to stop attending my regular club meetings. He would get angry when I would talk to his friends. I felt caged with him around. He would drink every night, even on school nights. It was always hard for me to get him motivated to go to school. Other couples spend their times together watching a movie, going out to dinner, or just enjoying each others company. We were different. I had to sit and watch him drink the whole night. When I was tired and wanted to go home to sleep, he would not let me. I was always afraid when he would drive drunk. I would ask him if I can call my brother to pick me up, but every time I say that it makes him angry. I don’t know what made me stay with him for so long, though I was not getting the treatment I wanted. One night he was so drunk that he was not in control of his actions. We did not even get into any arguments that night, but he hurt me. I thought he didn’t mean it. The next day he said he was sorry. From then on, I believed his excuses. I was dumb, but I did not know. I suffered over a year of domestic violence in this relationship. He left bruises in places my family can’t see, but the sign of fear was showing in my face. I was afraid; I didn’t know what to do or where to go for help. I felt alone. I thought my only way out was through suicide, so I attempted to kill myself several times. One night, I got frustrated being with him, for he was too drunk to take me home. I tied a rope in front of his closet and wrapped it around my neck. Fortunately, he woke up and noticed me hanging. He quickly got up and untied the rope. I thought that this might get him to notice what I have been going through with him, but it didn’t. He got angry and threw me to the bed. He said that if I were to hurt myself again, he would end it for me.

One incident on Christmas Eve made me realize that this has got to stop. I met a man during a Christmas party. After telling him my story with my boyfriend, he told me that no woman should ever be treated that way. It was from this when I finally got the courage to move on and let him go. I’ve dated after him, but nothing too serious with any of them. I took things slowly this time, but with one man it felt different. I met him in school. We would say hi when we pass each other. We didn’t date just then, because we both were seeing someone else. One day, all that changed. He asked me out. Things moved quickly with this guy. After a month of dating he told me he loved me. From then I gave my whole heart to him. I gave him all I had. My sisters didn’t like the person he was, telling me I could find better. I didn’t listen. I didn’t want to. I was alone long enough already. I want a man in my life. People say I’m too young to be in love but I didn’t listen, but I should have.

One day, on the road we had an argument and he started punching me. He left me with a bruise on my eye. I tried to tell him to stop, but he would not listen. He kept punching me in my stomach, and on my head. The pain was more than I could ever imagine. I did not want to give in this time. I ran out of the car when I had the chance to, and got help from the first person I came in contact with. He called the police, and that’s when it ended. I cried the whole drive home. I didn’t think it would happen to me, not again. I cried day and night just thinking of what had happened. Though the physical pain lasted for a week, I suffer from the emotional, mental, and psychological abuse gained from the violence.

However, I could not imagine my life without him. I did not want to go through life with another man, I wanted him back, so I gave it one more try. He promised not to hurt me ever again. Like I did with the other guy, I gave him a chance. I thought it was over, the violence, but it only got worse. I went on the Internet to get information on domestic violence and found that there is a cycle for beaters. When I told him about it, he said he is different. It’s almost a month now since he hit me. I gave him so many chances to change, but he hasn’t. He seemed to be showing signs of a violent person. He would yell at me when we have arguments. He would hit things around me to scare me. What frightens me the most was when he threatened to punch me on my face again.

I was scared, and I still am. I don’t know what to do now with my life. If I let him go, he will find a way to ruin my life starting with my family and my job. I wish there is a way, but I’m afraid to talk to anyone about it. My family thinks I’m not talking to him. If they knew I would be in big trouble. Please if there is anyone out there that is going through the same thing, don’t be afraid. Let me know, so that I won’t feel alone. Maybe then, together we could help others out there who need someone to talk to. And if there are people out there who are helping victims suffering from domestic violence, come out and share the information with the public. We need to know before it’s too late.

Frightened on Saipan

Ed. Note: The writer requested that she not be identified.