At the tone…oh, never mind

Saipan’s power stutters kept wiping out the messages left on my answering machine…which must be why I seem to have been passed over, yet again, for the Pulitzer we all figured I had coming.

So I bought an answering machine with a battery backup, and smugly congratulated myself on making such a wise purchase.

And the power failed again.

And I lost my messages again.

Seems like the battery back up had all the endurance of a snowball on Pau Pau beach.

The only thing I hate more than answering machines–and their malfunctions–is not having an answering machine. Thank goodness for email; it’s a better mode of communications anyway since you can make messages as detailed as you want, and it’s not subject to the whims of answering machines, though email does have its faults.

Which is a point worthy of digression. Is this modern age, in this year 2001, there are still some morons who can’t understand that email, once sent, does not always arrive as advertised. So if you’re sending something “important,” then insist on a reply of some sort. Conversely, if you get a message and a credible sender asks for the courtesy of a reply, then either reply, or get used to the fact that you’ll be considered a boor.

Anyway, now that I’ve got that cleared up, the answering machine problem, as you’ll recall, wasn’t solved by the battery that keeps going, and going, and going…going to the bathroom, that it, and down the toilet go my messages.

So: I bought the biggest, baddest answering machine I could find when I was at the Guam Kmart. This was no mere machine, it was a “system.” Heck, it was a way of life. I think it came with its own religion or something. Come to think of it, the Guam Kmart probably is a religion all on its own. It’s even a tourist attraction. Go figure.

Once again, then, I congratulated myself on a shrewd purchase, and hooked up this Cray supercomputer of a machine–oops, excuse me, I mean system. And, with a flourish, I threw out the old new machine that ate the battery.

And I called myself from a friend’s house. And, since I wasn’t home–being at my friend’s house, you see–I left me a message.

Victory?

No. I haven’t figured out to this day how to retrieve that message. My machine–oops, “system,” comes with two–not one but TWO–sets of instructions. One is a veritable book. The other is a booklet which the user is instructed to (no kidding) keep in his “wallet.” Got that? The infernal device is so complicated you can’t leave home without your passport, Amex card, and now your answering machine–er, “system”–instructions.

Screw that. I got your system right here, pal.

So I threw out my new new machine (as opposed to my old new machine), since I couldn’t even bear the sight of it long enough to haul it to the Guam Kmart. Some things are just evil and must be cast aside no matter what.

And there you have it. Technology wins again, and even foiled the mighty Energizer Bunny. And it foiled me, too.

Ed Stephens, Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. “Ed4Saipan@yahoo.com”