The AKIAS disease and condoms

Part and parcel of the newspaper business is the unfortunate obligation we have to call attention to bad news. On that note, then, I regret I have to inform you that the AKIAS epidemic seems to be accelerating.

AKIAS is evident here in the tropics, though it is spread exclusively by Americans. Symptoms of the ailment include talking too much, though the diagnosis is usually couched in more technical terms, i.e. “logorrhea.” You’ve heard of diarrhea of the mouth? Well, logorrhea is pretty much it (no kidding–it’s a real word).

The abundance of chatter is matched only by the sheer incoherence of the words. AKIAS victims, however, are unaware of their lack of coherence. The cruel irony of this affliction is that the less coherent the victim is, the more convinced he (or, quite often, she) is of his (her…) lucidity.

As you can imagine, this syndrome has social implications. Condemned to mouthing never ending streams of gibberish, AKIAS sufferers are social pariahs, sidelined on the margins of humanity. For reasons as yet unknown by science, this relative isolation seems to further aggravate the AKIAS symptoms.

On the off-chance you’ve missed the medical journals about this disease, I’ll mention the acronym here. AKIAS stands for American Know It All Syndrome. Although it can strike its victims at any age, most mchronic sufferers seem to contract it in middle age, and the symptoms become more aggravated with the passage of time.

Like many diseases, this one spreads internationally, and you’ll find many an AKIAS victim in the tropics. Saipan is no exception. Here, like other places, there are unhappy, sour-faced Americans who insist on telling us how they have the magic solutions to every possible “problem” under the sun. Which can be a good specialty for trained pros–an articulate and clever critic can add some razzle dazzle to the common discourse sometimes–but this mitigating quality is sadly lacking in the AKIAS crowd. They are shrill, not shrewd. Critical, not clever. Caustic, not creative. (Sadly, I’ve milked this cheap alliterative ploy for all it’s worth, so myou’ll have to continue this line on your own…don’t try it at home, kids.)

Happily (for normal people), AKIAS victims do have one redeeming quality: entertainment value. They are the philosophical equivalent of human dung beetles, condemned to rolling their ever bigger balls of muck into mever growing balls of…well, bigger muck. It’s a function of time’s tyranny: the longer you’ve got AKIAS, the more things that you find positively offensive, hence the more things you say “should” be “solved” your way…and hence the worse the AKIAS is.

Which isn’t to say that the only worthy folks are always happy go lucky. Biting wit with a critical outlook has made many a great mind more visible; such is the nature of curmudgeons. But that’s a far different gig than nursing a festering case of AKIAS, with all the attendant chancres.

Is AKIAS communicable, like other dreaded diseases? I doubt it, but you can’t be too careful, so you should have a good condom with you at all times. Go for a fancy one, like one of those “French” numbers with the can opener and fishing lures affixed to the end. And save your alliteration until after marriage. There is no cure for AKIAS, but you can’t catch it unless you want it.

Ed Stephens, Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. “Ed4Saipan@yahoo.com”