Massaging the presidency

The U.S. presidential election has ground on longer than a catatonic stripper on quaaludes, and we’re already eyeing the stage to catch a glimpse of the next act. And so, dear Commonwealth, I’ll shine the spot light on this prediction: Hillary will be the next to the next U.S. president.

It’s Hillary all the way in 2004, and it’s especially Hillary all the way if Gore loses this one, since he’ll have a political life expectancy shorter than a fruit bat on a skeet range.

Which means, of course, that we should start thinking ahead, and start schmoozing Hillary now. Does she play golf? I dunno. That might be one visitation hook. She must like nice clothes, so maybe there’s a garment industry angle on this. She’s already married, so she doesn’t have to confront the fact that most guys here would rather have Freddy Kruger for a proctologist than an American feminist for a date.

Like all rich and powerful people, she will like gourmet food, and Chef Hubert at the Aqua Resort Club is one of the Pacific’s culinary stars. So, I call on Hu to send her an invitation forthwith. Come to think of it, I call on Hu to send me an invitation forthwith as well…although I think he already did but I’m unable to go because I can’t afford the gas. So, let’s make that one invite for Hillary, one sawbuck to fill my Ford’s gas tank, and we can safely say the Aqua has done its share for the Commonwealth’s political health.

And speaking of health, we all know that one of Hillary’s pet projects is, of course, health care. This is a real feather in our cap; we’ll take her on a tour of our fantastic array of health massage parlors. With all of these parlors, I figure we must be the healthiest people on the planet. Some parlors even sell “ladies drinks,” which, of course, would appeal to Hillary’s very gender-conscious female constituency. This is bound to be such a compelling angle for us that I’m thinking we can just skip the golf angle altogether.

Hillary is also very involved with the entertainment industry, and here, again, we’re tops. Club Jama offers great entertainment, and, better yet, has ladies drinks as well. That’s sort of a two for one bonus for us.

Hillary in 2004: As you can see, then, there’s no reason for us to worry. I’ve thought this one through with my typical flair for insightful creativity, capped with the roguish charm that has made me such a object of raw desire for the island’s fair maidens.

Fist Lady Senator-Elect Hillary has got the brains, the ambition, the moxie, the power and the glory, and, Hillary, Thine Will Be Done. While the next president suffers through four years of bogged down, political trench warfare, Hillary can quietly prepare her presidential bid. And, what’s more, she’ll win. As for the CNMI then, the time to lobby is now, before everyone else jumps on the bandwagon.

Stephens is an economist with Stephens Corporation, a professional organization in the NMI. His column appears three times a week: Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Mr. Stephens can be contacted via the following e-mail address: ed4Saipan@yahoo.com.