Presidents and picante

What an eventful month November has been for our sleepy little island. First, our beloved Wendy’s went out of business. Then, as our ticklish relations with Uncle Sam have us all worried, we’re nervously eyeing this bizarre electoral circus in the United States.

And now, President-elect Bush is essentially forming a government in exile, since his political team has been locked out of the designated transition office in Washington D.C.

But never mind the hand-wringing from nervous Nellies about transition woes. There’s a grand opportunity here. I think this government in exile gig is pretty cool. Texas is, after all, a great state, and it would make a better seat of government than D.C does. Texas is more reflective of the best in America…and D.C., the worst.

Texas: Cowboys, ranchers, high-tech research, self-made millionaires, oil barons, and sun-kissed, tall leggy blondes with sweet sounding drawls.

D.C.: Crack moms, crack babies, a crack mayor, ghettos, blow-dried lawyers, and every imaginable strain of reptilian carpetbagger and sleazoid to have ever crawled from the putrid ooze of the nation’s political swamps.

So maybe Gov. Bush, or President Bush, or whatever we’re supposed to call him these days, should concede Washington to GoreLieberman. I don’t mean concede the government to them, I just mean the locale itself. Nobody needs it. In fact, nobody normal even wants it.

Texas is a big land of big dreams and big accomplishments. D.C., by contrast, is a tiny confine of grim ghetto and grid locked governance.

What’s more, Texas is more geographically centered than D.C. is. Why should California, the nation’s most populous state, be located three time zones away from the capital? If you call someone in Washington from L.A. during your lunch break, he’s already got two martinis in his snoot and is utterly worthless. It makes no sense. Texas would be more logical, more fair. It would put the federal government closer to the people it is supposed to represent, and let us all communicate with clearer heads.

Now that you’ve recognized the merits of my great idea, you’ll want to know how we can enact the plan. You want to know how our little voice on this small island can make a difference.

I’ll tell you how. We’ll use one of those government to government recognition gigs. Let’s relocate our distinguished Washington representative, Juan Babauta, to the big state. The Commonwealth of the Northern Mariana Islands will recognize Austin, Texas, as the legitimate capital of the United States of America.

We’ll all chip in and buy Mr. Babauta a pair of Tony Lama cowboy boots, have him trade in his sedan for a pickup truck, and chuck the traditional mwar mwar floral wreath for a ten-gallon Stetson. Instead of our island greeting of “Hafa Adai,” he’ll practice blurting out–at Texas volume–”HOW Y’ALL DOIN’?”

This won’t be such a difficult transition for Mr. Babauta. After all, Texas and Saipan have some striking similarities. Texans loves barbeques. We love barbeques. Texans love beer. So do we. Texans love big pickup trucks. Same here.

Texans drive too fast in their pickup trucks after drinking too many beers at their barbeques. We do, too; in fact, we drive faster and worser by far and could teach them a few tricks.

More similarities: Texas is hot and humid. Saipan, ditto. Texas has cockroaches the size of hand grenades. Saipan does, too.

As you can see, the Lone Star State is the clear choice all the way around.

Besides, now that our Wendy’s closed down, maybe we can land ourselves a Whataburger (a Texas chain that serves frisbee sized burgers) to fill the void. So pass the picante sauce…and God bless Texas.

Stephens is an economist with Stephens Corporation, a professional organization in the NMI. His column appears three times a week: Wednesday, Thursday and Friday. Mr. Stephens can be contacted via the following e-mail address: ed4Saipan@yahoo.com.