Fatherhood and manliness

For many men fathering a child is proof of their manhood. To get a girl pregnant makes them macho men. But these “macho men” forget that fathers are supposed to provide their son with a model of how to live. The fine qualities of manliness are lost and with it the child.

In a recent novel by Chuck Palahniuk, Fight Club, a group of young men in their twenties and early thirties with dead end jobs meet in the basement of a bar and beat each other senseless to relieve their boredom. This activity makes them feel like warriors showing off their black eyes and stitches as badges of honor. The common thread these young men have is that they are under-fathered, the product of divorce and of fathers who had no time for them.

The main character says: “ I’m a thirty-year-old boy….I knew my dad for about six years, but I don’t remember anything…What you see at fight club is a generation of men raised by women.”

Consider the recent killings across school campuses in the United States, and one wonders where was the father image? The shocking fact is that the majority of violent crimes are committed by young men between the ages of fifteen and twenty-five. In a recent book by Barbara Dafoe Whitehead, her research confirmed that the absence of fathers is one of the strongest predictors of violence among men. The end result is that when young boys are left alone to grow up, many become destructive forces either to themselves, their families, or society.

During the past thirty years, we have effectively eradicated many of the psychological and emotional differences between men and woman in the belief that manliness was bad because it increased violence towards the opposite sex. To call a man “macho” implies a derogatory meaning. We think of a boorish and inconsiderate man. We envision Rambo or a thug punching out a woman. Yet I recall Tarzan in the jungles being quite macho but never boorish or cruel to Jean.

The argument should not be to eradicate honor and pride in the male character, but to rechannel those energies from negative forces to constructive positive and moral purposes. We must recapture a positive sense of manhood. We have to recognize that men and women are moral and intellectual equals. While men and women share the most important human virtues, vices and aptitudes, they also have different psychological traits that lean them toward different activities. Decent men and women have always known this and act accordingly.

Who is a young boy to turn to for guidance when his father is absent? Who will teach him how to mingle with other men and treat women in a civilized manner respecting each other? Where is the male outstretched hand for the youngster to grab when he falls down? Men have qualities that must be passed on to young boys that can come only from fathers.

Though my father never had a formal education nor attended parenting classes, he always had time for me. How well I remember his firm but gentle words as he repeatedly reminded me to grow up as a decent young man. I remember how he inspected my hands and clothes for cleanliness. He never raised his voice but I knew when he was serious and when I hurt him with my smart-aleck attitude. He was my role model.

I knew my father loved and respected my mother. He never raised his voice or hand to her or to any of us children. My dad practiced true fatherhood and manly qualities. Will your children say that of you someday?

Strictly a personal view. Anthony Pellegrino writes every Monday and Tuesday. Mr. Pellegrino can be reached at tonypell@saipan.com