A no class action lawsuit

In the law office of Timothy boy Stinker, a telephone rings and the secretary answers. “Hello, Mr. Stinker’s law office. It’s a great day for a frivolous lawsuit. How may I help you?”

“This your client Jane Doe. I am calling from the garment factory. I want to speak to my incompetent attorney right away.”
“Please hold, Miss Doe. Let me see if Mr. Stinker is available to take your call just now.”

The secretary then confers with her boss, who reluctantly takes the call. “Yes, hello, Miss Doe, Mr. Stinker here, how are you doing this morning?”

“Not good, Mr. Stinker. Not good at all. What is this I hear about my $1 billion no class action lawsuit being watered-down? Is it true that some of your claims have been dismissed? Is this what I am paying you for?”

“Uh, actually, Miss Doe, let me remind you that you are not paying me. I am taking this on a contingency fee, remember? Any fees I receive are from special interest groups back in the states–groups intent on destroying your industry on this island. You did not initially contact me. I looked for you–for disgruntled employees like you who might advance my legal extortion scheme.

“Miss Doe, please don’t ever delude yourself into thinking that I actually care anything for you, because, frankly, I am just using you. I could care less about your plight. You see, you are my free ticket to unearned wealth. I don’t create things like you. I don’t build things. I don’t manufacture anything tangible. I sue successful people for a living. I am a sort of sophisticated parasite.”

“Mr. Stinker, I am appalled. It is quite obvious that you are an emotionally unstable person, possibly mentally deranged. You see, I asked around about you. I heard about some of your temper tantrums. I heard about your maid incident and court case. You wanted to kill your maid for that, didn’t you? There was malice and hatred in your eyes. You were completely unprofessional. You over-reacted.”

“Don’t be impertinent with me, Miss Doe. You just sit tight and be a good little girl–and maybe you might get some small change in the end, while my associates and I get to keep the lion’s share of any settlement or judgment.

“After all, we are trying to distort the truth on your behalf. You should consider yourself lucky. Do you know how much you would be earning as a textile worker back in mainland China? As little as forty-three cents an hour.
That’s right. And sixteen cents an hour if you were working in Indonesia. Never forget that I am doing you a favor here. You should be grateful for my unscrupulous greed.

“So what if I failed to change the venue? So what if some of my asinine claims were thrown out of court? You better obey me, Miss Doe.
You are nothing without me. I am going to squeeze your employer and their buyers for all that I can possibly get out of them. You had just better tow the line and never mind about my legal skills, because regardless of the findings of fact and law, the buyers will surrender–settle–because of the negative publicity alone. Stinker rules!”