Words for the unwise

As your faithful scribe, it’s my responsibility to keep you at the cutting edge of wordsmithery. If you admire the raw power of language, then consider the following language duds that should be weeded out of the lexicon.
*****

1. Tremendous

This has become the word of choice here in the Commonwealth. A new business will bring “a tremendous revenues to the government.” The Angolan market promises “a tremendous opportunity for tourism” (it’s untapped, after all, right?).

Whenever I encounter the word it’s a red flag that someone is trying to pull a fast one on me and doesn’t have any valid analysis to back him up. It’s a “bola bola” alarm.

Does “a tremendous revenues to the government” mean a lot of money, or money that is somehow of high quality? Don’t ask me, sport.

2. Ironic

Nine times out of 10, this word is used completely, totally, TREMENDOUSLY incorrectly, as a writer tries to convey a sophisticated flair but winds up looking like a sophomoric bozo. It’s a trendy word in the United States.

When some guy is nabbed for robbing a bank, an article will state “ironically, his brother was also convicted of robbery in 1993.”

That’s not irony. That’s coincidence, perhaps, or maybe a family that belongs on the Geraldo show.

Want some irony? Here’s irony: You hire some guy to install a burglar alarm in your house, and while he’s in your home he steals your stuff. The very act of trying to prevent something made that very thing occur. Now that’s irony. It’s a case, as a dictionary says, of ” incongruity between the actual result of a sequence of events and the normal or expected result.”

3. Almost exactly

It’s impossible for something to be “almost exactly.” If it’s exact, it’s not almost. If it’s almost, then it’s not exact.

It’s either exact or it’s not exact. Almost exact is like being almost pregnant.

“Nearly” and “approximately” are useful words. “Almost exactly” is meaningless.

4. Not unlike

Does “not unlike” mean “like”? Nobody seems to know. If I say that “her face looks ‘not unlike’ my dog’s butt,” what am I saying?
I don’t know.

If her face does, in fact, look like my dog’s butt, then I’d say her face “looks like” my dog’s butt, which has a different logical gist than “not unlike.” If her face doesn’t look like my dog’s butt, then “not unlike” makes even less sense.

Saying “not unlike” is like responding that “it’s not Wednesday” if someone asks you what day it is. You’re just wasting your breath and everyone’s time.

Therefore, you should never tell someone that his girlfriend’s face looks not unlike your dog’s butt. You’ll confuse him. You’ll confuse his girlfriend. You might even inadvertently insult his dog.

5. Utilize

This is a favorite of mealy-mouthed bureaucrats who think using a “tremendously bigger word” is a good idea when a smaller one will do. I say, use the word “use.” Effective writing is tight, not cumbersome.
*****

Ironically, this column is almost exactly as long as it’s supposed to be. I hope I conveyed a tremendous way for you to utilize language not unlike many writers do.