PC, baby

My friend Jim and I were having a few drinks at the Russian hostess bar, when, completely without warning, the notorious Mike Gunslinger strode in and took us completely by surprise. Sporting a cheap Philippine cigar and looking as dapper as ever (having lost quite a few pounds), Mr. Gunslinger, ever the gregarious character, came straight toward me and my Russian partner.

“Oh, oh,” I thought, as I braced up for the Gunslinger’s long-awaited payback. You see, only months before, I had seen the old Gunslinger at another saloon, a certain Chinese hostess bar, where I proceeded to have a field day at his expense.

Exploiting my command of the Chinese language, which I learned from an old girlfriend, I began to ruthlessly cut Mr. Gunslinger down to size, in front of the ladies, while he remained completely helpless and defenseless.

“Damn it, Charles. What are you telling them about me? Stop it!” Mike Gunslinger pleaded. “Please stop it. What are you saying about me?”

“Wou du peng yu–ta bu shi-huan pyolang niren. Jenda. Ta heng shi-huan nanren!” (Roughly translated: Mike likes boys. No kidding. Really.)

Female Chinese giggles all around. Mike was upset and vowed revenge.

“Charles is ‘blobnik,’” began Mike. “Very blobnik.” Which I gather conveys about as much as “Nalibug” in Tagalog or “Skebe” in Japanese.

Only the Gunslinger’s ploy didn’t work this time. “No, no,” protested my Russian friend Yulia, “Charles is a gentleman. I know him long time.”

So Mike–who, incidentally, is always quick to remind you that he is “married, not buried” (in case you ever forget)–pulls me aside and asks, “You wanna get anywhere with these beautiful Russian women? I’ll let you in on a little secret.”

Me: “What? Do tell. Boy, some of these women are gorgeous.”

Mike G.: “Then just tell them about your PC.”

Me: “My what?”

Mike G.: “Your personal computer. You have an IBM PC, not Apple, right? They hate Apples. In Russia, a PC is a true status symbol, like a Ferrari or a Porshe. Tell them all about your PC and you are guaranteed to score more than Jeff Score. Make sure you clearly specify that you have a PC and not just some junk Apple computer. Trust me, it really makes a big impression.”

Me: “Yulia, you know, I have been wanting to tell you about my PC at home.”

Yulia, already starting to laugh: “What?”

Me: “Yes, I have this sleek black PC made in Taiwan.It’s a very fast, very good PC.”

Yulia suddenly contorts from uncontrollable laughter.

(PC, or pee-cee, I later found out, refers to a woman’s private part in Russia.)

I’ll bury you for this, Mike Gunslinger!

Strictly a personal view. Charles Reyes Jr. is a regular columnist of Saipan Tribune. Mr. Reyes may be reached at charlesraves@hotmail.com