Idiot University

It was bound to happen. Sooner or later, you just knew some Hawaiian would surely come up with such a brilliant idea. And last week someone finally did.

On Friday, April 9, the University of Hawaii’s school newspaper exposed a student’s petition for a pidgin degree. In an incoherent, idiotic letter submitted to the administration, graduate student Lee Tonouchi pleaded, “So wot’s da deal, brah, hakum we no mo’; one pidgin major?”

Although the university already has existing pidgin courses (titled–get this–“Hawaii’s Creole English”), Mr. Tonouchi is clearly not satisfied with the school’s strategic instructional offerings. He would have pidgin become a department all its own, separate from English, because, as he sees it, “Pidgin is not subordinate to English–ess one language all on ees own.”

Mr. Tonouchi clearly has a point there: pidgin is indeed a language all its own, spoken by a subclass of native Hawaiians disenfranchised from the modern world of productive achievement and technological advance–unfamiliar with clear, coherent thought and speech.

“Ees good dat we can find pidgin in our literature and dat these texts are being taught in the classroom,” says Tonouchi. “Pretty empowering (empowering?), brah. But still, in terms of da mainstream media, pidgin is still marginalized (marginalized!).”

UH Professor Roderick Jacobs, chair of the Department of English as a Second Language agrees with Tonouchi, stating that “it would be very good to have pidgin as a major. It sounds like an excellent idea.”

“Maybe, ovah time,” Tonouchi hopes, “pidgin will gradually be viewed as one legitimate language wea people can talk story/have good fun as well as interchange da kine intellectual discourse. [I am not making any of this up.] But too slow, dis evolution ting, we need revolution, brah.” No kidding. There is no question that a B.A. in pidgin would go very far in the job market.

Employment interviewer: “What skills and abilities could you offer our company if we decided to hire you?”

Pidgin B.A. degree holder: “Brah, da kine, brah. I offer you da kine, Brah. You no’; me talking’ ; ’bout the kine, right? Brah, da kine. I’s only no’; the kine, bruddah.”

Employment interviewer: “Yes, I see your point exactly. You’re hired. When can you start? How about first thing Monday morning?”

Yes, we certainly have a great deal to learn from our enlightened brothers and sisters from the University of Hawaii. “Perhap” NMC could follow suit. How about an Associate degree in pidgin Chamorro, nay? For the “chilgren’s” sake, par. I know a number of local politician’s who would make excellent instructors, di ba?