A digital decade

Everything makes me feel old these days. Every milestone is a thorn in my psyche, and here’s the latest: I’ve been online for over a decade now. It was those buck-a-minute phone calls to the states (remember those?) that finally pulled me over to Saipan Datacom and onto the Internet.

Cazart! It took all of 15 seconds for me to find my way to a web site and I felt like a caveman looking at a Lear jet. I was hooked.

First thought: “This is great. I can be left alone and still keep in touch with the world.”

Second thought: “This is a curse. I’ll never be left alone. Everyone in the world can now telecommute, and Saipan is going to be flooded with people freed from the tyranny of cubicles.”

I envisioned legions of newly arrived yuppies marching north from the airport, carting their new laptop computers, and wearing Land’s End cargo pants to affect that tropical look. Next, battalions of Prozac-addled soccer moms would appear, each pushing an Eddie Bauer stroller up Middle Road…

…oh, the horror, the horror…

…they’d flood us with so many rules, regulations, zoning laws, covenants, creeds, codes, and restrictions that nothing good would remain unscathed. You’d be required by law to wear a helmet when bicycling. And you would need a bicycle, since two-thirds of our cars would be outlawed for smog violations.

Your dog would need a license…and a therapist. Micro Beach would become a beach-rat sanctuary, off-limits to humans, though for a $15 fee you could take a guided “nature walk” provided by a park ranger (reservations required).

You’d need a permit to own a coconut tree, a zoning variance to hold a fiesta, and the go-go bars would be turned into Ritalin dispensaries and self-esteem clinics.

Oh, honey-ko, say it ain’t so.

It ain’t so.

None of it ever happened.

I’m not surprised at how much the Internet has changed the world. I’m surprised at how little has changed. Human nature is still human nature. People in big cities are still like sheep, and most will prefer to huddle together in the flock; they’re not moving here. The empowerment of the Internet hasn’t caused mass migrations, but has largely been confined to things like e-mail and on-line shopping.

Meanwhile, Saipan hasn’t changed a bit in over a decade. It hasn’t learned any lessons, but it doesn’t really have to. Why should it?

As for the city slickers who I feared would swamp our shores, well, before you take a man out of the herd you have to take the herd out of the man. The Internet won’t change that. It can’t change human nature, only empower it in various small ways.

Heck, for all we know, the Internet may reinforce the cocooning urge, and keep the home bodies at home even more. Did you know, for example, that there is a business in the U.S. that mails people video DVDs that they select online? As if watching five hours of television per day isn’t enough already…

I can’t even imagine that. But it’s not my problem. Anyway, the Internet hasn’t rocked the world. We’re status quo. No dog licenses. No cargo pants. No closed go-go bars.

So we’re safe, honey-ko. Nothing has changed here. Or there. We’re just getting older, that’s all.

(Ed Stephens Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. E-mail him at Ed@SaipanEconomist.com)