Bored out of my mind with ‘Are We There Yet?’

I was bored out of my mind while watching Are We There Yet?, but I’m almost glad I saw it, just for having been part of the surreal experience of seeing Ice Cube star in a schmaltzy, feel-good family film. How odd. I haven’t lost any respect for the guy, but I’m going to have a difficult time believing his sincerity next time he throws up a “W” for the “West Sa-eeeed”.

I think most readers of my column know all about Cube, but I should fill in the blanks for those who don’t. He’s an extremely talented, intelligent and successful rapper who pretty much invented “gansta rap”. As the lead emcee for N.W.A, he, along with Dr. Dre, Eazy E, and DJ Yellah, exploded into infamy and fame a couple decades ago, with the gangsta rap anthem “(expletive) the Police”. Instantly, the face of rap was transformed, and ultimately, the entire pop music industry. Honestly, I think historians will see Ice Cube as one of the most influential musicians of our time.

Yet now, he’s seen onscreen, getting kicked in the groin, for supposedly humorous effect, and falling on his butt more often than Jack Tripper on Three’s Company. Fifteen years ago, we might’ve called him a “sellout”, but now, I think, it’s so much more appropriate to recognize that he’s just grown up. Guns and Gangs have been replaced with Whacky Family Fun Hijinks. More power to him. I just hope he gets a better agent, because his latest film is a major dud.

In Are We There Yet?, Cube plays a 30-something bachelor who hates kids, and has no interest in settling down. All of that changes when he meets the hottie (Nia Long) working next door to his sports memorabilia shop, a divorced single mother of two. Hoping to finally drop her drawers, he agrees to transport the hellions across the great state of Washington, so that they can meet mom in Canada, and that’s when hilarity ensues. Ehh…actually, I think I laughed once.

Ultimately, though, I almost feel like any commentary I make on this movie is a moot point. Are We There Yet? is targeted strictly for young children. Flatulence, cartoon-like slapstick violence, lots of people falling down comically, an overly-simple story with forced messages, and acting and direction that are about as SUBTLE AS THE CAPS-LOCK I’M USING make it abundantly clear that this movie was not made for me, or anyone who might be reading this column. Fine. I’m not against children’s movies; I just don’t particularly enjoy them, usually.

But this movie stinks from much more than boredom. I hate to play the role of the P.C. police, but Are We There Yet? has crossed the line. In the movie, Cube is plagued by his conscience, an anti-Jiminy-Cricket, over-sexualized, jive-talking, amoral Satchel Paige bobble-head doll, who represents everything that supposedly died with the minstrel show. And then, in one of the movie’s attempts at humor, Cube meets an auto mechanic from China who reary speak no good Engrish, and he rike to bargain (although the actor is obviously from L.A.).

This kind of stuff can be funny, and in good taste, when done by somebody like Chris Rock or the dudes from South Park, because their material is intended for a more mature audience, but when racial stereotypes end up in a children’s movie, that’s just no good. Needless to say, I do not recommend Are We There Yet?. (Joe Weindl)

Running time: 1:32
Rating: PG, for language and rude humor
Grade: F