Making headlines

After living on Saipan for over seven years, we’ve noticed a number of headlines that were meant to convey one message, but could be interpreted another way. The limited space to express the major topic of a story makes it easy for a headline to have a double meaning.

For instance “Millions of Slugs Invade Rota” made us do a double take. Were these unwelcome vermin wading onto the shores of Rota to launch a full-scale attack, would more government assistance programs be needed, or were the crops in danger? Then there’s the Father’s day ad that had the whole meaning changed by splitting one word to fit on another line. It read: “HAPPY FAT- HERS DAY.” Was this a politically incorrect sale for females on the rotund side?

Here are some more actual, ambiguous headlines collected by journalists that will cause you to take a second look before you understand the real story:

We know that things have been dicey on the warfront, but this headline gives an indication of how tough things really are: “Iraqi Head Seeks Arms.”

Speaking of body parts, it looked like professional golfers are trying different clubs to improve their score with the headline: “Shot Off Woman’s Leg Helps Nicklaus to 66.” And then there’s “Eye Drops off Shelf.”

“Experts” have all that education so they can explain complex things to the rest of us simple folk. This was a report after one accident: “Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says.” And if you want more details, this genius provides more clues: “Plane Too Close to Ground, Crash Probe Told.”

Just in case you wanted an explanation for the crazy weather, this headline gives it: “Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures.”

If you have children who take the bus to school, you should know how dangerous it could be for the kids after reading: “Safety Experts Say School Bus Passengers Should Be Belted.” Speaking of kids, they are getting a bad rap these days: “Teacher Strikes Idle Kids.” It’s good that schools are taking education more serious, but this headline indicates they may be going too far: “Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half.” Even more unnerving are these headlines: “Include your Children when Baking Cookies” and “Kids Make Nutritious Snacks.”

If you thought you could always depend on our fine law enforcement officers to make sure the streets are safe, this headline gives you something to ponder: “Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers.” And with all the stray dogs running loose on the streets of Saipan, here’s a headline that would cause concern: “Squad Helps Dog Bite Victim.” Hopefully, the squad had their rabies shots!

If you think dogs are dangerous, just be thankful we don’t live in a part of the world where they have psycho herbivores after reading: “Enraged Cow Injures Farmer with Ax,” and “Deer Kill 17,000.”

We bet you didn’t know the courts could be unsafe after reading the headline: “Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant.” Even the lawyers are getting touchy after reading: “Prosecutor Releases Probe into Undersheriff.”

Of course, it’s good to know that justice is served after learning: “Steals Clock, Faces Time” and “Man Struck by Lightning Faces Battery Charge.” Even the plants can assist in the recovery of stolen property after reading: “Stolen Painting Found by Tree.”

On the subject of plants, you probably weren’t aware that plants could get terminal diseases after reading: “Lung Cancer in Women Mushrooms.” We wonder if the male mushrooms can get prostrate cancer?
If you thought the lines were long at our grocery stores, this headline will make you grateful: “Two Sisters Reunited after 18 Years in Checkout Counter.”

Death may not excuse one after reading: “Miners Refuse to Work after Death” and “Killer Sentenced to Die for Second Time in 10 Years.” And resting in peace is not possible with this headline: “Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead” and “Ban On Soliciting Dead in Trotwood.”

These politically incorrect headlines may have the ACLU up in arms: “Air Head Fired” and “New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group.” If one is height challenged, these headlines might be offensive: “British Union Finds Dwarfs in Short Supply” and “Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors.”

Here are some double entendres that will make you stop and think: “Stud Tires Out” “Sex Education Delayed, Teachers Request Training” “Is There a Ring of Debris around Uranus?” and “Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over.”

(Rik is a business instructor at NMC and Janel is the owner of Positively Outrageous Results. They have consulted with over 400 businesses in 40 different industries, and can be contacted at: biz_results@yahoo.com)