Alexander – not so great

Two loads of laundry. Six episodes of Seinfeld. Four games of “John Madden Football.” A 20-mile bike ride and a bubble bath. There are so many things I could’ve done instead of watching Alexander. I don’t mind so much the $4.50 I coughed up; the wasted time, however, I’ll never get back. Oliver Stone’s latest movie, chronicling the life of the “great” Greek conqueror, is a failure of epic proportions. It’s boring. Sore-butt-three-hours-long boring.

In Alexander, the title character, with the singular vision of a zealot, completes his daddy’s unfinished business, traveling east to spread “freedom” through imperialistic conquest. Hmmm…sounds oddly familiar.

The biggest setback in Alexander is that there’s absolutely no emotional attachment to any of the characters. When he finally dies, at the tender age of 32 (sorry folks, can’t rewrite history), instead of the moment being sad or poignant, it’s more like, “Okay. Don’t care. My butt hurts.”

At first, I couldn’t figure out why I didn’t care about Alexander, considering how terrific a job Colin Farrell (Phone Booth, Minority Report) did in the starring role. After a little thought, my best guess is that the problem is in the structure of the story. Most stories have a traditional three-act arch, in which the conflict builds until the climactic finale. Alexander has no main conflict to resolve, no villains per se, and it never feels like it’s ever going anywhere. It’s basically just a dramaticized history lesson.

For the most part, the acting is good in Alexander. In addition to Farrell’s performance, Val Kilmer (Batman Forever, The Doors) is convincing as the alcoholic and abusive father, King Phillip; Anthony Hopkins (Hannibal) is very nice as the narrator, and Jared Leto (Panic Room, Fight Club) is okay, if not great, as Alexander’s “life partner” (yep, there’s some man-lovin’ goin on).

Angelina Jolie (Tomb Raider, Gone in 60 Seconds), on the other hand, takes her performance way over the top, well beyond the realm of ridiculous. She plays the role of Alexander’s mom, Olympia, as if she were stuck in a soap opera, and for some reason, speaks like a vampire. I never knew Greek accents sounded so Transylvanian.

It’s been a long time since Jolie showed herself to possess any talent, and I think the only reason she gets cast in anything is the fact that she has a pair of big, beautiful, silicone-infused lips. Oh, you didn’t think I was gonna say something else did you? Shame on you.

Anybody hoping for a remake of Gladiator will be truly disappointed. Besides the fact that Gladiator has boatloads more emotion, it is obviously driven by some of the coolest action sequences in Hollywood history. The action in Alexander is short-lived, and confusing. On a side note, you might be as glad as I am to know that DreamWorks is producing an actual Gladiator 2, to be directed again by Ridley Scott, scheduled for release in 2006. How rad is that?

Alexander isn’t for the easily offended. There are buckets of blood, two rapes, and a gratuitous full-nudity “love” scene between Farrell and Rosario Dawson (The Rundown, MIB 2). Homophobes might want to stay home, too. Alexander swings both ways, but he seems to really prefer dudes over chicks. Oh, and I almost forgot to mention the fact that Alexander appears to have a serious Oedipus complex. Ewww!

The only thing that kept Joe slightly entertained during Alexander was how the king occasionally referred to himself in the third person. Joe thought that was funny.

The crappy icing on the crappy cake comes in the form of the horrendous soundtrack by Greek composer Vangelis (Blade Runner, Chariots of Fire). The entire movie is done on a synthesizer. Aaghh! Stone can spend more than $150 million on a movie, but can’t afford a live orchestra? Joe angry.

Oliver Stone was meticulous in his recreation of a world more than 2,000 years past. All of the little details, from costumes to cultural practices have obviously been well researched. So, at least we can give him some credit for making Alexander a reasonable period piece. Too bad it’s just not very entertaining.

Comments? E-mail Weindl at joewatchesmovies@yahoo.com.