The new Whack-A-Pimp tour

Here’s something we can all agree on: House Bill 14-299, which makes “loitering for commercial gain” a no-no. That’s “loitering” as pestering Garapan’s tourists with a never-ending stream of pimp-daddy shenanigans. This bill looks destined for passage, which will hopefully raise Garapan’s image a bit with tourists.

I think the next step should be to print flyers in Japanese and hand them to arriving tourists. Suggested text: “Welcome to Saipan, home of the famous Saipan Tribune. As you enjoy your visit, please remember that it is legal, and even encouraged, to punch the teeth out of scumbags, hustlers, and scoundrels who pester you on the street. Arigato gozaimasu.”

Yes indeed, though H.B. 14-299 is a good start, we can do even better by enacting a “Whack-A-Pimp” law. Call it my libertarian propensities, but it looks to me like a lot of the world’s problems could be solved by legalizing stuff in order to discourage some other stuff. Garapan Pimp Whacking would put some teeth in H.B. 14-299.

Back when the old Bud’s Bar had a second-story view of Garapan, I’d nurse a brewski there while watching hapless tourist families having to run the solicitor gauntlet. Talk about seedy, yikes! It did make us look Third World, and I felt a pang of sympathy for the families who had to shoo away the criminal element from the faces of their children. I’m no prude but, c’mon, the community (and tourism industry) has the right to mandate some minimal level of decorum.

Some Deep Thinker will surely bleat that prohibiting these solicitors is putting a dent in the almighty right to free speech, but I have to laugh at that. In the first place, there ain’t no free speech, so let’s quit pretending on that note; that’s just a fantasy for gullible high school sophomores in civics class. And, in the second place, if you exercise your right to free expression by obnoxiously getting in someone’s face (e.g. a hapless family of tourists in Garapan), why can’t they freely exercise themselves by pounding you silly? Seems like a fair deal to me.

And it’s a timely issue, since it brings to mind a news story from last week. Dateline–Auburn Hills, Mich. Story–Some basketball fans heckled and otherwise annoyed some players, and the players waded into the crowd to kick their butts. Conventional wisdom—The players are meanies for menacing the hecklers. My wisdom—there’s nothing wrong with administering a good pounding on an obnoxious jerk. Otherwise, you’d have a society of shrill, loud-mouthed sissies who hide behind the apron strings of the law to keep from getting swatted…which, come to think of it, describes modern society a bit too well in some places.

And, in some places, it would probably be a legitimate academic discussion whether or not a prohibition on loitering and solicitation could be enforced in a way not to create some rabid purge against innocent folks. But this isn’t a worry in the Commonwealth. The Department of Public Safety is extremely reasonable about how it enforces laws, and I trust their judgment.

Meanwhile, maybe we should enlist the aid of the Hash House Harriers. How about a Garapan Whack-A-Pimp event in the next Hash Run? I’d like to see a photo of that on the Tribune’s front page: 20 Hashers are sprinting through Garapan, arms extended, seedy flyers from solicitors flying like confetti as each hustler is whacked into silliness by a succession of hands. This would pay dividends by demonstrating the concept to our tourists, and, who knows, maybe it will become an “optional tour.” Let’s see…noon, Managaha Island…3pm, submarine tour…7:30pm, Garapan Whack-A-Pimp run.

Sounds good to me.

(Ed Stephens, Jr. is an economist and columnist for the Saipan Tribune. Ed4Saipan@yahoo.com)