Sadness

Sadness, anger, hurt and fear. These are four words that somewhat describe what I’m feeling inside right now. There are no words exactly that can describe the way a person feels when a loved one gets called to serve his country. Families get left behind to worry about their father, mother, son, daughter, brother or sister; hoping and praying for their safe return. A question we ask ourselves everyday is, Will they return home safely? The answer…no one really knows.

As much as I want to disagree with the deployment, there is nothing we can really do about it. They were called upon to fight for our freedom and liberty to serve and protect our country. This is something each and every family should expect. All we have to do is have faith and pray for their safe return.

The whole idea of having two of my brothers deployed has not really sunk in yet. I’m still in a daze. More like a shock to me. I never expected to have two siblings going off to fight in a war; a war that I never agreed with to begin with. But who am I to say this? The way I see or say things does not matter to those who started this war. Frustration creeps in on you when you least expect it; tension around the homes of families that have loved ones that are off fighting tyrants who do not seem to want to give up. Sleepless nights are just one that we are going through right now.

We used to sit around the dining table and chat away. It used to be filled with jokes and laughter. Now it’s silence. Our home feels so empty without my brothers around. A knock on our front door causes panic. We used to just tell the person on the other side of the door to come in. Now, we fear opening our front door for fear that it would bring bad news instead of good ones.

Honestly, what I feel right now can’t even be put into words. I’m filled with mixed emotions. At first I thought I can be strong throughout all this. But, as I write this, I shed a tear. A tear I never thought I’d give up. I guess being the eldest of five I’ve got to be the backbone of the bunch. It is expected of me to be the strongest. It’s hard. As much as I just want to break down and let it all out, I can’t.

I won’t let my siblings see my pain.

Evelyn Sablan
Tinian