Focus on Education Friend, Friends, Friendship

“My friend is not back from the battlefield, sir,” one soldier said. “ Request permission to go out and get him.” “Permission denied,” said the officer. “I don’t want you to risk your life for a man who is probably dead.” Disobeying orders, the soldier went anyway. An hour later, he returned, carrying the corpse of his friend, but mortally wounded himself. The officer was filled with grief. “I told you he was dead,” he said. “ Now I’ve lost both of you. Tell me, was it worth going out there to bring in a corpse?

“Oh, it was sir,” the dying man replied. “You see, when I got to him, he was still alive, and he said to me, ‘Jack, I was sure that you would come.”

Many of us claim to have many friends. We profess that friendship is important. We all strive to cultivate friends. But do we ever consider how we become friends with each other? Do we ever think about the qualities that make a friendship? Do we know the value of friendship? Do we ever realize that our children need to learn how to become a friend?

We have to teach our children that the human quest is to find the relationships, to form the friendships, that will give them connection and intimacy, responsibility, and commitment, satisfaction and deep joy. Finding the right partner in marriage is exactly this type of search because with our spouse we expect to find that satisfaction and deep joy.

We have to show and explain to our children that friendship is selfless devotion both given and received. An observer saw a woman in a hospital gently cleaning the sores on the festering body of her friend. “I wouldn’t do that for a million dollars,” he said. Without pausing in her work, the woman replied, “ Neither would I.”

As E. W. Howe put it, “When a friend is in trouble, don’t annoy him by asking if there is anything you can do. Think up something appropriate and do it.”

Teach children that in true friendship is the place where secrets can be told and heard, where confidences can be spoken and kept secret, where fears can be admitted and shared. Explain the difference between knowing people and friendship.

Many of us feel that we have lots of friends. What we are actually saying is that we have many acquaintances. The true test of a friend is when we are down on our luck. At work, we know and relate with fellow employees. But once we no longer work there, the many “friends” seem to disappear. The true friend continues the relationship regardless of place or time.

Being a friend can be one of life’s most fulfilling–and most difficult–task. A great friendship will have its sublime moments of happiness, and its wretched moments of disillusionment, anger and despair. Real friends understand the wisdom of the Native American proverb that teaches, “The soul would have no rainbow, if the eyes had no tears.”

Teach your child that in friendship is loyalty, the faithful commitment of one human being to another. You can also teach your child that an enemy need not be an enemy forever. As Abraham Lincoln wisely asked, “ Am I not destroying my enemies when I make friends of them?”

Because friendship is an abstract concept, only deeds can implant the deep and lasting feeling of friendship. Your actions will speak louder than any words that you or I could advise. Instead, take your child by the hand and walk into friendship together. You in your adult life and him in his maturing life.

Strictly a personal view. Anthony Pellegrino writes every Monday and Tuesday. Mr. Pellegrino can be reached at tonypell@saipan.com