What happened to the gentleman

More and more woman are speaking out against abuse they receive from their husbands or other men. Increasingly we read about the disgusting true facts about domestic violence against wives and children. How can a man continuously abuse his wife and children? To what depths of depravity has he sunk? Has he lost all self-respect? How can he look at himself in the mirror? What ever happened to the concept of a gentleman? Has the Neanderthal man with club in hand returned and replaced him? If you recall the Neanderthal man was our predecessor caveman in appearance, mentality, and behavior.

The concept of a gentleman is easily understood by looking at the word: “gentle man.” The gentleman is one who never inflicts pain. He seems to know, in any circumstance, just how to act. His manners and knowledge, like his clothing, are worn lightly, never ostentatiously. In company the gentleman never calls attention to himself by flaunting his superiority in learning, behavior, dress, or conversation. When he has something of value to say, he says it with calmness and brevity. Even if he is an expert on a subject, he never resorts to showing off.

Gentlemaness is really about what’s on the inside, not on the outside of a man. The true gentleman feels confident, self-assured, modest and considerate. Don’t confuse true gentlemaness with mere surface polish, flattery, or dandyism. The counterfeit gentleman is nothing but surfaces. He is a man of shallow charm and sophistication. Because of his false facade, he is mistaken for a gentleman. When his real personality suddenly explodes, everybody is shocked.

On the other hand, the true gentleman’s outward graciousness stems from inward virtues of mind and temperament. He is in control in any given situation because he has cultivated his mind, emotions and temperament through self-discipline. His character is revealed in his conduct. A gentleman is also generous in recognizing the merits of his friends, and he wants friends whose honor is worth having.

It is sad to note that as we constantly realign our relationship between men and women, some of the old finer concepts seem to be discarded or lost. If I were to lament the loss of chivalry, most of you would laugh and think how quaint and old fashioned my thinking is. No one thinks of being a chivalrous man any more, right?

Marcus Aurelius, the great Roman Emperor, in 180 A.D. wrote in his Meditations, “To be moved by passion is not manly, but that mildness and gentleness as they are more agreeable to human nature, so also are they more manly; and he who possesses these qualities possesses strength, nerves and courage, and not the man who is subject to fits of passion and discontent.” He adds the man who yields to anger displays a weak character.

The cure for domestic violence will end when real and responsible friendships between men and women return to the highest fulfillment of which all people are capable–moral and intellectual virtues that are the same for men and women at their peaks. Both genders must recognize the diverse qualities that men and women contribute to the common striving for excellence.

We need to return to traditional teachings that stress that men and women share what is good in life, while accepting that their passions, temperaments, and sentiments differ, resulting in different paths to the high standards shared by both. The best way of convincing men to treat women with respect it to educate them in those traditional virtues of character that make it a disgrace to treat anyone basely, dishonestly, or exploitively. Let’s strive to become gentlemen again.

Strictly a personal view. Anthony Pellegrino writes every Monday and Tuesday. Mr. Pellegrino can be reached at tonypell@saipan.com