Federal Paranoia

When Al Stayman last visited the CNMI, he had a gang of bodyguards accompanying him. You see, old Al was very deeply concerned about his personal safety. He felt threatened by the hostility directed toward his Federal takeover baby.

In fact, Al was actually quite worried that he might be assaulted or worse. Maybe he thought he might get himself assassinated. Apparently, Al thought he was that important.

In reality, however, Al was only flattering himself. Indeed, his security precautions seemed arrogant and insulting. He had no reason to fear the wrath of Mr. Robert Hunter, for example. (Mr. Hunter merely invited Al on an innocuous fishing expedition and was later taken in for questioning.) Al really had no reason to expect danger and death.

For despite our political differences with the Federal Government, there has never been a significant instance of violence directed toward any federal employee for political reasons. Come to think of it, the American flag, as far as I can recall, has never been burned in protest to US policies, as deplorable as those policies can sometimes be.

American flags are burned in the United States and abroad, not in the CNMI. High School massacres, school shootings, riots, bombings, police shooting of innocent and unarmed civilians–all of these vile crimes and atrocities occur in the United States of America. They do not occur with any degree of frequency in the serene, tranquil CNMI. We have no serial killers here. The CNMI has yet to reach the appalling level of social dysfunction achieved in many parts of the United States.

The people of the CNMI cherish peace and generally seek harmony. The CNMI is not at all like Puerto Rico in this respect. There are no radical terrorist groups in the CNMI.

Nevertheless, the US Federal Government, through the US Justice Department, reportedly decided to enact rather draconian security measures at the Horiguchi Building in Garapan. In other words, they federalized the private building for security reasons.

From now on, if the policy has not already been implemented, all Horiguchi Building visitors–regardless of whether they are visiting federal officials or not–will be subjected to a comprehensive “screening process.” Which presumably means that they will be searched, patted down, x-rayed, man-handled, recorded, registered, molested, and the like.

Every private tenant, every Horiguchi building tenant, will have to enter and exit from one centralized and heavily monitored entrance. This “Single Point of Entry” was designed to protect the vital health, safety and welfare of all Federal employees, because, frankly, as we all already know, the lives of Federal employees are far more important (and hence more at risk) than the mediocre lives of the civilian, private sector masses.

You know, with this incessant federal meddling, we just might reach the level of crime and social dysfunction presented in the United States. If they treat us like dangerous criminals, maybe we might just lose all of our precious island charms, and become more like Guam.

After the US Marshals establish the “Single Point of Entry” Checkpoint Charlie at the Horiguchi Building, they might just want to erect concrete barriers outside . . . You know, just in case of car bombs.