Signs of middle age

One of my friends reports that his laptop computer went AWOL for a day. It re-appeared in the refrigerator. Why he put it in the fridge to begin with, he doesn’t know, but he remembers juggling a bunch of tasks in the kitchen after he got home from work, so he’s probably going to find a quart of milk in his briefcase.

We decided we’d better tally some signs of middle age right away, before we all start forgetting. Some of the flashback items apply more to mainland life than Saipan life, so if that messes things up, you can simply cross out the offending items, re-number the list, and you’re good to go. Anyway, here are the signs:

It’s mid-April, and you’re already finished your 2016 Christmas shopping.

-When it’s time to prepare for a typhoon’s imminent arrival, you calmly address the situation by taking a nap.

-You remember when sunlight was healthy. And then when it wasn’t. And then when it was again. Ditto for butter, red wine, and coffee.

-You remember FORTRAN, COBOL, BASIC, DOS, Lotus, and WordStar.

-You’ve finally given up trying to understand Nietzsche.

-You know how to change the ribbon on a typewriter.

-You remember when Cadillacs were the Cadillacs of automobiles.

-You know that Timex takes a licking and keeps on ticking. You also know that Alka-Seltzer goes “plop plop fizz fizz,” that nobody doesn’t like Sara Lee, and that “Datsun saves.” And you’ll never forget that Maxwell House coffee is good to the last drop, that’s Folgers coffee is the richest kind, and that Chock full o’Nuts is not only heavenly coffee, but is better than a millionaire’s money can buy.

-You remember when motor oil came in cardboard cans.

-You remember when “10” meant actress Bo Derek.

-You remember when Amazon was launched and you sneered at the idea, saying, “Nobody will buy books on the Internet. That’s what bookstores are for.”

-You remember when people had to look at a map to understand where China is.

-You still consider the F-4 Phantom the coolest fighter jet, though you’ll allow that the F-5 is sexier.

-You realize that people who can’t alphabetize the folders in file cabinets make more money than people who can.

-You know that a percolator is. And a slide rule. And an 8-track. And a mimeograph.

-Those salacious old disco songs? They now strike you as charmingly innocent.

-You remember when presenting a credit card, the store clerk would look up the card number in a printed booklet to see if the card was stolen or canceled.

-When you’re at the veterans’ club, you realize that the Vietnam vets have much of the old-school wisdom, so you always seek their advice on things.

-You remember when the year 2000 was a futuristic notion, by which point people would visit different planets, everybody would wear shiny silver jump suits, and all the cars would have gull-wing doors.

-You remember when the national evening news ended with the sign off, “And that’s the way it is.”

-You remember keeping a toolbox in your car because you knew you could probably fix it if it broke down.

-You remember when people were people, not human resources.

-Your idea of an adventurous vacation is staying home for three days so you can test all the features of your new Zojirushi rice maker.

-You don’t feel the slightest urge to correct someone who describes Saipan as a “south Pacific” island. You’re also cool with “two plus two equals five.” You have finally figured out that as long as it’s not going over your signature, it’s not your problem.

-You remember when a nickel candy bar only cost a dime. Ah, those were the days.

-The last time you knew the price of a first class stamp was at some point in the previous century.

We’re still adding to the list, so feel free to email me any ideas you’ve got; naturally, you should make sure that your Internet router is turned on first. Don’t know where your router is? Try checking next to the orange juice.