Sneaky words

I don’t know nothing about no grammar, which is fine with me, since nobody has ever asked me what “subjunctive” or “gerund” means. Still, even a dedicated delinquent has to admit that some words are nothing but trouble, especially words that look alike, sound alike, or maybe just smell alike. Whatever they’re up to, it’s never any good.

I’m going to mention some of these stinkers, and how I try to use the most simplistic means to sort them out for the most common cases. As simple as I try to keep this stuff, though, I still mange to mess it up. If you want to contribute some corrections or wisdom, I’m all ears.

In the meantime, we can pretend that we’re being all educational and high-minded here, so let’s hunker down in the back of the class, light up a cigarette, and note some sneaky words:

1) Stationary vs. stationery

I botch this one all the time. “Stationary” means not going anywhere. “Stationery” is the stuff you buy in office supply stores.

2) Discrete vs. discreet

This might be the English language’s biggest gotcha’. If you like math, you’ll recognize “discrete” as meaning elements that are individually distinct, as opposed to “continuous” elements that, like parts of a smooth line, blend together so you can’t really tell where one piece of data starts and the other ends. This is where Newton and Leibniz joined the stage; they cooked up calculus, which enabled us to calculate continuous functions without having to chop them into discrete approximations.

As for the deceptively similar twin “discreet,” it means not being a blabbermouth, or, in the broader sense, using sound judgment.

3) Vein, vane, vain

A “vein” is what doctors like to jab needles into, and what miners like to jab pickaxes into. Since the term “in like vein” is common, I’ll assume that a line of thought or a type of circumstance can, just like a line of blood or gold, form a vein. Well, that’s my guess. If you don’t like it, I have others.

Moving along here: A “vane” is a mechanism that pivots due to fluid or gas flow. A weathervane, which pivots based on wind direction, is an example. There might be other common meanings to the word, but I don’t remember seeing any.

As for “vain,” it means egotistical or self-satisfied. It also means futile: “Their efforts were in vain.”

4) Site, sight, cite

A “site” involves a place, or putting something in a place; you site a building at the construction site. And, there’s “website,” too, so I guess that’s a kind of place. “Sight,” by contrast, pertains to seeing. And then we have “cite,” which means to quote something (cite a footnote) or that somebody got in trouble and has got some explaining to do (cite the offender).

5) Further vs. farther

If I’m dealing with physical distances, I’ll opt for “farther.” Otherwise, I’ll use “further.” There’s probably more to the issue than that, but I refuse to think about it any further.

6) Hanger vs. hangar

A “hanger” is where you put your shirt. A “hangar” is where you put your airplane. The similarity is rooted in an aeronautical fact: Many people who buy airplanes lose their shirts.

7) Canvas vs. canvass

Oh, this really is a sneaky one. Sneakers and tents are made of canvas. If you wanted to sell them door-to-door, you’d canvass the neighborhood.

8) Effect vs. affect

Somebody tried to explain this to me once, but I started drooling and fell asleep. In order to avoid another one of those episodes, I think of it like this: Keeping in mind the term “cause and effect,” I’ll consider that “effect,” as a noun, means a result of something, and as a verb, is a cause of something. So they seem to go along with each other like two sides of the same coin. Hey, maybe there’s some elegant symmetry in the language here. Or maybe it’s just some sort of trap.

As for “affect,” as a verb, it’s said to mean the action of changing or influencing something.

I come up with this: “The weather affected the flight schedule.” But: “The effect of the turbulence was to make the pilots spill their coffee.” I don’t think I see “effect” as a verb very often, but I guess your boss could order you to “effect a victory in our battle for market share,” which pretty much puts me in the drooling mode again.

Well, I see that you’ve finished your cigarette. Me, I’m totally out of spitballs. So let’s get out of here.