Wishing while we wait: Dreams of a Sunshine Christmas

The next time Saipan is subjected to an airless, sultry evening, take a walk through your respective village and take a moment to appreciate a new-fangled humming sound. It is the song of multiple air-conditioners coming to life. In the wake of Best Sunshine’s CUC vouchers our island has been treated to some novelties. While many appreciate this gift, Best Sunshine appears to have assumed the role of a gift giver. This is a risky position to adopt in such close proximity to the holidays.

Over the past week I took the liberty of surveying over 100 community members to gauge Saipan’s expectations for this Christmas. The following is a sample of some of the more eccentric responses I received on this wish list. Let this be a cordial message to Best Sunshine that the people of the Marianas anticipate some innovative changes. Note that all residents’ names have been altered to maintain anonymity, and I have omitted more reasonable wishes that a certain Mr. Claus will likely take care of himself…

Marcus Castruis of As Matuis would very much appreciate Best Sunshine’s assistance in completing the construction of his house.

Bernie Biscuit of San Antonio would like to welcome the plethora of new development by taking up a new sport, and requests the construction of “an indoor ice hockey rink.”

Amy Longshanks of Koblerville would like one million dollars. If this is a bit much, she will also “settle for a few mortgage payments” on her house and “a block of Ahi tuna.”

Anna Bananapeel is concerned about increased traffic, and would like to see the timely emergence of “a system of bike lanes and safe pedestrian corridors” along all of Saipan’s major thoroughfares. Her husband, Slipsona, disagrees, and feels that an islandwide monorail system would be a superior solution. We’ll let the Bananapeels come to an agreement, but Best Sunshine is encouraged to consider whatever compromise they reach.

Margarita Bunion of Capital Hill would love to see the road to Mt. Tapochau re-paved. She imagines “a collaboration with DPW for the construction” but expects Best Sunshine to provide the paving material, which would “obviously consist of gems and precious metals.” A yellow brick road would suffice.

Sir Archibold Goldstein took his time in taking my survey, but could not come to a decision between two very different, but creative tourist attractions—a “floating petting zoo” or a beach supplemented with imported sand from Dubai. Sir Goldstein leaves the decision up to Best Sunshine.

Arnold Gillsforlungs of Dandan would like to explore the construction of an artificial reef system on Saipan’s eastside. His dream is for a reef stocked with” genetically-modified, fat, lazy parrotfish.” Interesting idea, Mr. G., but does Best Sunshine have the technology?

John Johnson, the guy so nice they named him twice, would love to have an annual snow shower to coincide with Christmas morning. Mr. Johnson would prefer that this miraculous weather event begin its annual occurrence this December, but recognizes that this feat may require that Best Sunshine reverse the current process of global warming.

Ronald Ringsabell of Garapan would like to see several new nature preserves. Ronald is insistent that these be a priority so that he may wander amidst Saipan’s native flora and fauna to find his soul, which he claims was taken from him in the form of CUC vouchers.

Fabio Longlegs of Kagman feels that it is important for Saipan’s youth to be involved in the transformation of their island, and would like to arrange a few play dates for his children with the first-born sons of Best Sunshine’s executives.

Jeff Cabbagepatch of Tanapag requests a weeklong stay at the spa in the company of Best Sunshine’s executives, so that he can get to know them a bit better. Now who wouldn’t want this? After all, it’s important that we feel comfortable with the new architects of Saipan’s socio-economic structure.

We can only hope that a Sunny Santa delivers this year.

Clark Griswold
Garapan, Saipan