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Guide to ‘modifying’ your lifestyle
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Posted on May 12 2008
[I]”The new rates might come as a shock for the residential customers, but the only solution to it for now is some modification to their lifestyle.” [/I]
—Antonio Muna, CUC executive director
Dear Mr. Muna:
Forget about trying to explain to the general public on how or why you more than doubled our power rates. I just want to thank you for telling us to “modify” our lifestyle. Apparently, shutting off our air conditioners, unplugging our appliances, disconnecting the water heater, canceling our Internet and cable service, and replacing all of our lights with energy-efficient bulbs was just not enough!
In a fitting tribute to you, Mr. Muna, I have decided to truly modify our lifestyle, and I hope others will follow suit. With all of our weak attempts at cutting back on our electricity consumption, it appears we have not gone far enough. Mr. Muna, please review the following guidelines I have taken to “modify” my family’s lifestyle. I sincerely hope it meets your approval.
Stop buying toilet paper. You heard me. Toilet paper is a luxury item! Did our ancestors use toilet paper? Did they even have toilets? Heck no! Look in your backyard. There are tons of banana leaves to go around! Best of all, it’s free and environmentally friendly. Note: Be sure you do not use sword grass. I made that mistake and couldn’t sit down for three days.
Stop buying groceries. Why in the world are we shopping these days? Don’t you know that shopping is a luxury item? Yes, I know you and your family have to eat. So did our ancestors! We need to get in touch with our roots and go back to hunting and gathering. I hear there are wild boar up on Mt. Topochao. And fishing is plentiful if you go to Susupe Lake. Sure, the fish is a bit toxic and some of them have two heads. But who cares? It will fill your belly! As for gathering, there are plenty of wild berries, papaya, bananas, and other natural produce growing wild all over Saipan. Just be sure you don’t end up on someone’s farm and get shot at, which is exactly what happened to me two days ago. Thank goodness it was only a .22 caliber rifle and I was only grazed in the arm!
Don’t dine out. Why on earth would you take your family out for dinner? Don’t you know we need to modify our lifestyle? Instead, call every government agency on island and find out when and where they are holding their meetings, forums, workshops, and seminars. Then bring your whole family and enjoy the free feast! Also, bring a big bag lined with plastic so you can be sure to bring balutan for your other family members who couldn’t make it.
Sell your car. How dare you think you should have a car in these trying times! Don’t you know automobiles are a luxury item? If you are like 75 percent of the rest of the island, you are already employed by the government. The government has tons of government cars that are used to run important errands, like going to the bank, picking and dropping off their kids to school, going out to lunch, or playing a few quick games of poker. All you need to do is borrow the government car and forget to return it. Or tell your boss that an emergency came up and that you need the car because you need to attend a novena (Don’t forget the balutan!). If you are the other 25 percent of the island that is not employed by our government, then use that thumb of yours! Hitchhiking is the latest trend in lifestyle modification! When it comes to modifying your lifestyle, nothing beats getting a free ride around the island! Biba hitchhiking! Note: Hitchhiking is not recommended for attractive, young women who frequently wear mini-skirts. Please utilize your good looks and call all your single male friends for free rides. They will drop whatever they are doing and take you wherever you want.
Don’t pay your power bill. Electricity is over-rated. Do we really need it? Could we survive without it? Absolutely! Candles are attractive and can be so romantic when you are eating the balutan you got from the government workshop you attended earlier in the day. If candles aren’t bright enough, go ahead and splurge and fire up the kerosene lantern! Just don’t spoil the family too much with it. Why do we need to pay our power bill anyway? I mean, there are a lot of huge companies out there in arrears who owe CUC millions, and they never pay their bills. They aren’t disconnected. Ooops, I forgot. We aren’t important! We’re low-lying, bottom-feeding residential customers who need to know our place. Big businesses rule and us residential peons don’t! It is as simple as that. So I say, disconnect your power. You really don’t need it!
Mr. Muna, I only listed five guidelines to modify our lifestyle. I have 20 more, but I am selling those online at www.bibacorruption.com for only $999.99. Act now and I’ll throw in some of my best-selling novels for free, including:
-You Pay us or Else! – The CUC Chronicles
-Did I say Better Times? – Governor Ben Fitial, Misinterpreted and Misunderstood
-Working Again after 70 – An Employment Guide for the Soon-To-Be-Bankrupt CNMI Retirement Fund’s Retirees
-Not My Discretionary Fund! – A Congressman’s Heroic Fight to Save His Discretionary Fund from Greedy Taxpayers
-Do As I Say, Not As I Do – Tips from Elected Officials on How to Win an Election
Ask Me No Questions and I’ll Tell You No Lies- Tips from Elected Officials on How to Stay in Office.[/I]
Mr. Muna, again, thank you for your wake-up call. We all should be ashamed of ourselves for not modifying our lifestyle appropriately. Hopefully, with my guidelines being followed, better times can finally be achieved! Thanks again for more than doubling our power rates, and I sincerely hope you double it again real soon. By the way, please advise government employees to keep those jackets handy because it sure is cold in their offices! We wouldn’t want them catching cold now!
[B]Ed Propst[/B] [I]via e-mail[/I]
