The Mooch King and the Hob

Once upon a time in a kingdom named Smallworld there were Mooch Kings, each in his corner, who operated their realms by the kingdom’s Secret Strategic Master Plan.

On one rainy day during Storm Season a certain Mooch King received a request from one of his subjects, a Hob from Bigland. The Hob requested that the Mooch King find a person with certain expertise to fix some things that were all messed up in their corner of Smallworld.

So the Mooch King called upon a favored mooch-circle member to fill the position. Yet behold, the person lacked the requested expertise. And this was a deliberate choice made by the Mooch King.

As time wore on, things stayed all messed up and got messed up worse. And the people of Smallworld became greatly distressed because things were so messed up. Newly arriving Hobs from Bigland especially wondered about why things were so messed up.

And then the Mooch King decided it was time for him to do what Mooch Kings do best. He commenced mooching from Bigland.

So the Mooch King sat on his throne and whined and complained to stupid rich people in Bigland. Soon, his whining and complaining were heralded throughout the kingdom such that a great cry arose about how there was not enough money to fix Small World’s problems. Then the Mooch Kings of Smallworld, each in his corner with his mooch-circle along with many of Smallworld’s outer-circle subjects, hoped that money would soon fly in from Bigland “to fix things.”

And the money did shortly fly in! So the certain Mooch King called together his mooch-circle and they all congratulated themselves for what they had done. Then after throwing a feast, the certain Mooch King sat on his throne and grinned a big grin. Then he called for an old teller to recount aloud the kingdom’s Secret Strategic Master Plan to he and his mooch-circle. Behold, it reminded one and all just what they were to do.

Then the certain Mooch King decreed in his heart and to his inner mooch-circle, “Now that this money has flown in from Bigland, we rulers of Smallworld can enlarge our inner mooch-circle again. We will now bring in a new member who will keep things messed up—messed up enough to keep getting more money from Bigland, but not so messed up that they will send us embassaries.”

And the Mooch King and his inner mooch-circle rejoiced a great rejoicing at the great wisdom of their Secret Strategic Master Plan.

And then the Hob from Bigland sat and pondered. He wondered why the Mooch Kings of Smallworld ruled as they did. Soon it alighted upon him that there must be a Secret Strategic Master Plan that guides them. And he surmised what it must say.

“I now see that Smallworld is messed up by design. When things stay messed up, the Mooch Kings of the many corners of Smallworld can sit on their thrones and cry out for more money to fly in from Bigland so they can again enlarge their inner mooch-circles with people who will keep things messed up enough so that the Mooch Kings can still again cry out to Bigland for more money so they can keep enlarging their mooch-circles always. When will it end? For it certainly cannot be sustained.”

C.M. Jones
Capitol Hill